Thursday 26 February 2015

Living in Harmony

Why is it somehow never anything to do with islam? A survey reveals the damning truth that far too many 'moderate' muslims do not really oppose extremism at all. Thank goodness other religions don't demand the same blind adherence to the irrational...

Another day brings yet another attack on the benighted followers of the religion of harmony, a religion that brings nothing but joy and peace to the world. That and silky, shiny hair. Since I converted so as to offer my life to harmony in the late nineteen seventies I have seen this country change. We live simple lives of devotion and charity and in our modesty we cover our heads. In hair; very big hair, to which we must attend at least five times a day. Of course, the charity in which we strongly believe begins at home, which is why we are unable to take up full time jobs and must throw ourselves on the mercy of the state for subsistence. The hairspray alone takes up most of our welfare cheque. That and all the bloody kids that just seem to happen.

But where once our golden, flowing, bouncy locks were not only tolerated but welcomed in to broaden the cultural base and beautify Britain, now we are treated with suspicion and yes, harmonophobia is rife. In a recent survey almost 80% of harmonims said they found it deeply offensive when cartoon images depicting the prophet were published. The prophet is sacred to us and to insult her by using any but the officially sanctioned image (below) is blasphemous and must not go unpunished. We waited a long time and endured the hostility towards us but the recent scalpings of BBC comedy commissioners in vengeance for the hairspray-related comic sketches of the nineteen eighties are entirely justified and the majority of moderate harmonims fully sympathise with these actions.

And although almost 95% of us would never think of attacking people who use other grooming products we all nonetheless understand the deeply rooted and righteous anger which drove a minority of the faithful to lob burning aerosol bombs into salons which did not believe in harmony. We, the moderate harmonims wish to live peacefully side by side with the advocates of TRESemm√© while quietly nodding in support and funding the hostilities of a small handful of extremists who are killing those unbelievers but not practising real harmony. Oh no; we harbour them, support them and generally agree with them, but they don’t firebomb other product users in our name. They are not harmonims; they are harmonists, which is a crucial distinction.

But where are the thanks we deserve for pretending we don’t secretly applaud the violence? There must be tolerance and understanding from the ugly, lank-haired worker scum who pay taxes to fund our peaceful way of live. Without them practising tolerance for us and giving us preferential treatment in all things there can be no peace. While we live as second-class citizens in our taxpayer funded homes with our taxpayer funded Sky-TV Beauty Channel subscriptions and our taxpayer funded hairdresser schools we will forever be denied the supremacy that is our right.
The holy prophetess of harmony

Harmony means peace and harmonims live a life of peace and love. But take the name of our hairspray in vain and the full wrath of hairspray hell will come down on your heads. It’s not our fault, our goddess demands it… or does she?


  1. I like your distinction between Harmonims and Harmanoids, which are, as some of us know only too well, a very painful affliction in the Arse of Commons!