Kicking Arse

Malcolm Riffkind falls on his sword, Jack Straw gets a Saturday job at Sofa World and the unlovely Natalie ‘Benefit’ turns the Greens into a bigger laughing stock than they already were by as good as admitting on air – not for the first time - that she hasn’t the faintest clue where all the free money is going to come from. Ukip has started to show fatigue under the relentless and hysterical flak of the race-hate industry and the SNP have bared their teeth too early, attracting derision and rejection from the great unwashed.

Further afield, in Greece, Syriza has chickened out, dropped the bravado and fallen into line with Merkel’s Minions while all around the world, growing discontent with politics-as-usual is rife. The right-wing parties can’t govern because they get called Nazis, the left wing parties are rightly criticised for their cleaving to the failed ideologies of communism. And if the extremes can’t win out, neither can those in the middle ground. The vaguely centre-right Tories are lambasted for daring to suggest even the smallest of public service savings while the who-knows-which-side-they’re-on Labour Party can’t raise the merest whiff of credibility about their spending plans.

So we’re at an impasse and something needs to be done. I vowed to keep out of this, no matter how much you all begged me, but it’s too late now and I realise that the British public deserve better, so here I am throwing my hat in the ring. Two-and-a-bit months may seem precious little time to launch a new political party but in fact it is ideal. What British politics needs is a damned good kick up the arse and there is no place now for subtlety and nuance. It’s too late for pleasing the electorate; what the electorate needs is also a good kick up the arse. Not happy with your benefits? Kick up the arse. Bleating about your investments? Kick up the arse. Boo-hooing over equality, intersectionality, diversity and climate change? You’re not even worth a kick up the arse.

Herewith, without further ado, I present the Official Manifesto of the Kick Right up the Arse Party of Great Britain (KRAPGB):

KRAPGB promises to do absolutely nothing for you unless you pull your socks up, stop whining, get a job and pay your own way. In return for that small commitment from you we will educate your children properly, so that they in turn can enter the workforce as full participants. There will be no pandering to differences be they racial, religious, cultural, sexual or ginger. Interfere with the teachers’ absolute right to discipline your errant brats and you can expect to feel the full wrath of the state - during your time in chokey; all those detained by the state will have to work to cover the full cost of their keep... and their debt to society.

KRAPGB will fix the NHS by largely abolishing the recognition of made-up disorders, firing the people who insisted that nurses need degrees and making triage so thorough that you’d better be very, very ill indeed before you even think about clogging up A & E departments. We will fix immigration by chipping every last non-UK citizen and tracking their movements by the minute. Anybody even thinking of donning a burka or growing a beard without a moustache will be immediately transported over a country where that is deemed normal and deposited thereon from a great height sans parachute.

Who says a kick up the arse can't be fun too?

If you’re old, genuinely ill, down-on-your-luck or a bit mental we will look after you, patch you up where we can and help you get back on your feet. Nobody will go hungry or cold or die alone and old unless they want to. The police will police without the interference of human rights lawyers and all such expensive busybody non-jobs will be abolished within weeks of our taking power. You will listen up, do as you’re told and get in line until we have this country back in shape. A short, sharp shock is what you lot need. Or would you prefer a kick up the arse?