Tuesday, 10 February 2015

I Spy

Shh! Tell nobody, but I have sneaked out into the back garden to write this blog away from prying eyes. The government has its spies everywhere and will use every means possible to snoop on our private conversations, so tell nobody, right? Perched here on my camping stool, laptop on my, er, lap and typing by the light of a dim head torch I am determined I will not be silenced. I have set trip wires rigged to some old tin cans, so that will put paid to any SWAT team’s clumsy attempt to take me by surprise, and I am piggy-backing on next door’s wi-fi to throw ‘them’ off the scent.

Until yesterday I thought the ‘internet of things’ was just some wacky-baccy induced science fiction dream inspired by Hollywood movies, conspiracy theories and a bunch of teenaged stoners telling yarns around a summer camp fire. But no, it turns out that in an Orwellian nightmare, your smart television really might be recording your every move. In the future, they say, electronic devices will communicate directly with each other and take human beings out of the loop. Your refrigerator will track the family eating habits and order milk when required, while your central heating will report you to the Green Party’s stormtroopers if you dare set the thermostat a single degree above the nationally set daily approved temperature.

Internet-enabled pedometers already tell Twitter about the pitifully small amount of exercise their wearers undertake and with GPS positioning information frequently inform the missus when you have nipped into the pub while pretending to walk the dog. And it isn’t going to stop there. Progressively educated Midwich cuckoo children already scold their parents for their unthinking casual racism, sexism, ageism and any other perceived bigotry inculcated in them by their Marxist drone teachers but, according to the Adam Smith Institute, in Scotland the state intends to become the official child snatcher.

Now somebody more gullible and less level-headed than I am might imagine they will be stolen, ‘educated’ and sent back to their parents with implanted trackers and sophisticated bugging devices to assist the television with constant surveillance. Those pet chips? Those electronic dog collars? Don’t say you haven’t been warned! Your every move, your every thought will be recorded, classified, catalogued, indexed and filed and one day used in evidence against you. Remember where you were on Wednesday 2nd of July last year? No need; we already know.

All communication with this brain is scrambled
I'm ready!

From now one you should trust no body, trust no thing; as well as ice cream and sausages walls have ears. I know because the microwave oven told me. Now I have to go; I’ve already said too much and I’ve been in one place for far too long. The International Spy Station (ISS) is due to over-pass at any moment… and my tea is getting cold.


  1. Why is it, when a human decides to wear a tinfoil hat or fix an antenna to their head, does it always have to be a ginger?

    1. Pahahahaa!

      You forgot also, converting to islam. ^_~

    2. Tinfoil reacts with hair and makes it rust. They don't all start out ginger, but they all end up that way.