Saturday 15 October 2011

I was working in the lab, late one night...

What is the point of kids, really?

Haven't we devised a way of reproducing in some sort of industrial fashion yet? Where are all these test-tube babies we heard about all those years ago? Surely that line of scientific enquiry can't be exhausted? Obviously, there's an issue with scale; I mean, you'd either have to start off with a big tube, or else you'd have to transplant the kids into progressively bigger tubes as they developed, but at least that would give you the opportunity to take a few measurements now and again. And fit the electronic locate-and-control tags.

Then, when they're at the right stage you can get them house-trained and inoculated and release them into the world. Makes sense, when you think about it.

Once suitable couples have passed the parent test they could pop along to their local retail outlet and purchase a sprog or two. (No more than two - that would be illegal; a breach of your licence.) They could come with a warranty and be exchanged if they're not up to scratch, then once they hit twelve you would trade them in for newer models. I can see no downsides. If you like kids you can continue rearing and nurturing until they have finally sapped all the strength and vitality from your dried out, empty husks, without having to endure the thankless thirteen-to-eighteen period.

 Otherwise you can opt for a peaceful, productive, happy child-free life if that's your preference.

Either way, nobody will ever have to put up with teenagers again because they will all be 'employed' in the factories, mining, agriculture, etc. From twelve to twenty they'll be worked and educated, streamed, selected and assessed and those that make some sort of grade will be allowed to continue into a more independent adulthood. Those who are too idle, thick or just plain useless will be recycled.

The United Dingdom will finally have the citizens it deserves. :o)


  1. Will we still have "Bob-a-Job" where we can get the lawns cut and the motor washed & polished for 20p and will you please make it mandatory on the school curriculum that all children are trained to clean chimneys?

  2. Children will not only be made to clean chimneys, their diet will be tailored to retain a figure which allows them to do so with ease. They will also be required to doff caps in the presence of their elders and begin every utterance with "Begging your pardon, kind sir..."

  3. You'll be pleased to note, Ken, that I have resurrected bob-a-job week. It's in today's news. See the power of Batsby? :o)