Monday 10 October 2011

Driving me nuts... the answer to the question, "What's that steering wheel doing in your lap?". It's a joke, see, but, to the drivers I encountered on the way home tonight I have a different question. Really? I mean REALLY?

Firstly, to the driver of the (sorry HiMelanie_O) BMW who, despite the lights ahead being red and despite me being only twenty metres - or two seconds - away from said lights, insisted on occupying the green cyclists-only refuge by thrusting his big silver penis into the tiny sliver of time and space in front of me, you are an enormous, fetid, festering cockdrip. This was a bloke; of course it was a bloke. And the only reason he had to place his wheels beyond the allocated space was that stopping to mark the space with piss would take too much time, man and he was in a hurry, yeah? Because he had to get to the next red lights before anybody else.

Throughout the journey I saw slack-jawed imbeciles weaving, undertaking, tailgating, flashing, beeping, speeding and swearing loudly. Was it something I said? (It might have been, because I invariably wish upon them a swift and painful death.)

But lest the laydeez think they're getting away scot-free, I lose count of the number of dipsy mommas a-texting away while knitting from lane to lane (nobody weaves any more) and smearing their lippy all over the shop. Hair. Yes, they have also to style their hair while in motion. Or do something with an errant child. I absolutely swear this is true; I saw one blonde updating her Twitter status while baking a cake, simultaneously performing a complex yoga asana, breastfeeding her three-year-old twins and pleasuring herself with a rabbit*! (Had to be a woman - blokes just can't multi-task like that.)

Sorry, I tell a lie, she was a ginger.

So, men or women? Who is worst on the roads? Who should I ban? Well at great expense I commissioned a survey to work out just exactly who are the worst drivers. I made sure a complete and impartial cross-section of the population was sampled and I can now categorically state that the worst drivers of all, across both sexes, are babies**.

Yes, it's true. When it comes to driving babies are bloody rubbish and even though it might be legal in some middle-eastern countries, and parts of Venezuela, in the United Dingdom nobody under the age of two will be allowed a driving licence. So there.

(*No idea. I eavesdrop a lot, but I've never managed to fathom this one out.)
(**This neatly saves me from having to declare an unpopular sex-biased conclusion.)

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