Fawking Hell

Remember, remember, the fifth of November, gunpowder, treason and what-the-fuck-was-that?

A huge explosion outside my window shakes me awake. My first proper early night for literally weeks and now this. Bloody kids, I assumed but, no... it's a sodding party. A party? On a Wednesday? What is happening to the world? I just Googled and Eid isn't until 6th November this year. Maybe it's Diwali? All I know is I can't understand a word of what's being shouted a few gardens along, so I'm guessing it's not a pre-Hallowe'en, pre Bonfire night party or any other of our home-grown festivals of the stupidly-aroused-by-fire-and-light persuasion.

Why bloody fireworks anyway? (Oh, how I hate the Chinese for that.) The fact is that once it starts getting dark at night, all sorts of gawping loons begin to literally burn their disposal incomes in brief, sputtering, ineffectual, premature orgasms of pyrotechnic patheticness... for what? For to keep me awake, that's sodding what!

It's primitive, this fire-worship. It's infantile, the unthinking, gurning love of flashes and bangs. Worse than that it has 'consequences' which are only to get worse. The world population is abut to hit seven billion. When I was a teenager it was four billion (and half of them were bloody Chinese). Something needs to be done because parties lead to people getting excited and people getting excited always, just always leads to more people.

Kall me a kallous killjoy, but unless somebody puts a damper on all this bloody celebration we'll end up swamped in citizenry, overwhelmed by knuckle-dragging, drop-jawed goons, gurgling, "Hur-hur... I make fire, hur-hur..." getting drunk and then getting down and dirty with anybody else too pissed to say, "Stop! Think of the world. It's full already!" and "Not until you've put this on..."

So, this is how it's going to have to be. Come the revolution we'll pool all our partying predilections - and some your taxes - into a single, national United Dingdom Day towards the end of summer. Enormous bonfires will burn into the night and you can let off as many squibs as you wish, shag whoever you want and visit the tented morning-after-clinic city when you wake. And then you can all shut the fuck up and let me get some sleep!

Goodnight. xxx