Thursday 22 March 2012

Foul! Ref!

Like drunken fans watching the football in a crowded pub, jostling for a view, proffering their views, the press, the public and the politicians were all watching different games yesterday. And as usual the post-match discussion went into extra time with some confusion as to who had won, or indeed lost..

"We wuz robbed!" declared the ageing defender, Vince Cable, "The game should have favoured the older ones, but we all got left out at the back."

"I wouldn't have played the four-five formation." commented brutish mid-fielder Balls, "I'd have gone five-five, catch them off guard, then hit them with a counter-attack where it hurts." he explained. "Then kick 'em in the bollocks!" he added, unnecessarily, as the interview was already over. Adenoidal Ed, the away team coach, had nothing to of value to contribute to his familiar, repetitive whine.

England Manager, Shiny Dave "charisma" Cameron said, "The lads done good and we come away wiv a point each, so, you know... like..." He ended in characteristic, enigmatic fashion, leaving it to others to provide cover for a lacklustre performance.

Team captain, Georgie "boy" Osborne summed up the game*, "Well, like, it was a great game, like, you know. And , er... it was all, like neck and neck for the first fifteen minutes, then, you know, we hit our stride, like... and from then on it was, you know, 45% for the next half hour... When the final whistle come, like, we wusn't sure where the score was and all... There was that, er own goal and everyt'ink, so in the final analysis the lads done good and we'll have to wait for the, erm, er.. next round, like," he concluded. "Innit."

(*Works best if you imagine he's using Steven Gerrard's voice!)

Following a protracted discussion after appeals were raised, the game was declared a draw, with both sides claiming the moral victory.

 How much on a packet of fags? Bugger!

Don't ask me what to make of it - I was at work all bloody day! For what it's worth, just like every budget there has ever been there, there is little room for anything other than tinkering at the margins and the outcome for almost everybody will be genuinely insignificant. (We all have income ups and downs and can control our spending to suit.) Yet, all we'll hear about for the next year will be the fourteen people who can genuinely claim to have been denied a livelihood because they represent an incalculably small and statistically negligible demographic whose circumstances were impossible to factor into the national accounts.

Next topic, please!?

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