Door to door

It can be a tricky business, moving house. Sure you’ve had several viewings and you’re convinced your conveyancing solicitor is genuinely acting in your best interests, despite him passing on all the actual work – searches and all that bollocks – to the office junior. You’ve visited at various times of the day, as a sort of house-stalker, to see what the traffic is like, whether that street is a car park for the local school run and if vagrants or worse – young people - hang out on the corner. And obviously you’ve Google-Earthed it to death. But you never know if you’ll get on with the neighbours until you’ve actually moved in.

Lovely though they are, it turns out that the people next door run an impromptu women-only mosque and three times a week there is a mob of chattering bin-liners camped outside your back door, having a fag between prayers. And the house opposite turns out to be some sort of Albanian brothel-cum-people-trafficking hub. If only there was a reliable way of telling you about the inhabitants behind those closed doors without the tedious business of, you know, actually having to meet them and talk to them.

Well wonder no more because G4S subcontractor Jomast, which lets out homes to asylum seekers in Middlesbrough has the answer! They have helpfully bought a job lot of red paint and applied it to all their front doors, thus conveniently signalling the location of a large proportion of the region’s most unwanted residents. Red for refugee, see? Of course, the refugees themselves aren’t too keen on the idea, saying it sets them up as targets, but I imagine the local branch of what’s left of the National Front are delighted to be spared the need to hunt them down. Simple, cost-effective and devastatingly direct – why not roll out the scheme to the whole housing market?

Militant feminist could have fuchsia-coloured doors to match their cheeks when they are in their regular apoplectic rage that men still exist in the twenty-first century. Lefties in general could adopt a gentle shade of rose pink to show their allegiance to soft communism and righties could proudly display a solid Thatcherite blue front door atop an immaculately polished step. Ukippers would have, obviously, a Union Flag motif and could indicate their level of fruitcakery by whether or not it is the right way round. Green for the Greens, Lilac for the Libdems, Salmon for the SNP and Indigo for the independents.

The good news is that there are plenty of colours to go around: Amber for Anglicans, Cornflower for Catholics, Plum for Presbyterians, Amethyst for Atheists, etc. You could even go international with Fern for the French, Bronze for the Belgians, Ivory for the Italians and a lovely shade of Grey for the Germans... to match their classic uniforms; Mrs Merkel would be pleased I’m sure. Criminal tendencies could be signalled as well: Coral for Convicts, Puce for Paedophiles, Russet for Rapists and Violet for plain old Villains. What’s not to like? This could really catch on.

Who lives in a house like this..?

Rather than wear your heart on your sleeve you would be able to broadcast your allegiances by painting your preferences on your portal. The saturation of the colour could demonstrate the depth of your dedication and subtle borders and sigils could indicate the complexity of your world view. A deep Crimson, for instance, could brighten up the doors of Jeremy Corbyn’s inner circle, while a pale Straw colour might indicate those who can no longer vote Labour so hold their nose and go for the LibDems. Me? White. Simple, classic, elegant and passively, traditionally racist; that’ll do nicely.