Friday 5 February 2016

Red Alert

It’s been a hell of a week. Lord Lucan resurrected, David Cameron buried, Donald Trump purportedly nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize. But when all’s said and done the world keeps on turning, we’re still in the EU and one day follows the next like a scabby stray dog shuffling behind you begging for scraps. But don’t worry about any of that, you’ve just got to get out there and grab the opportunities where they fall. Take heart from Geoff, a friend of mine to whom life offers up the most surprising experiences which he accepts as karma, just for being an eternal optimist.

Between girlfriends Geoff had taken to scouting the local hostelries and restaurants in search of whatever fortune may throw his way. And he’d had his fair share of luck with the single ladies, if truth be told. But last weekend is one he will remember for a long time. Finding himself in a mighty posh eatery, he was already seated and had ordered the soup du jour and a bottle of wine before he noticed the menu had no prices. We all know what it means if you have to ask the price. Hungry, but uncomfortable in his seat he eyed up the bread rolls and wondered if he could just pocket one and slink away.

That’s when he noticed the woman at the table opposite. She was astonishingly beautiful, with deep red hair and a full, pouting smile; he couldn’t help but stare. Her fringe hung down low over one eye and felt the urge to go over and pull it back so that he could gaze at her exquisite jawline, her ‘cheekbones like geometry’ and the flawless cream-white skin on her slender neck. She suddenly flipped back her head and with an expression of alarm in her eyes, entered a sneezing fit so powerful it felt like time had almost stopped. Her flame hair flew back as her head jerked forward and then Geoff saw something arcing through the air towards him.

He watched in slow motion as the object began to descend and then, as time speeded up again, he reached out and caught the projectile just before it splash-landed in his expensive soup. It was a glass eye. He looked up at the redhead who was holding a hand up to what he knew must be her empty socket and froze. She calmly walked over to him, plucked they eye from his palm and disappeared to the ladies’ room. In a few minutes she was back, elegant and beautiful and poised, as if nothing had happened. She thanked Geoff and took a seat at his table.

He couldn’t believe his luck as the night wore on and they chatted animatedly until the restaurant wanted to close. She insisted on paying the bill and invited him back for a nightcap. Soon they were in bed and coupling with an energy Geoff had long thought consigned to the past and in the morning she made him breakfast, staring dreamily at him as he ate his eggs and effortlessly maintaining the chat. Geoff was in heaven.

They showered together and made love again and as he was dressing he realised this had been the best night of his life. He couldn't believe his luck and a little doubt crept into his thoughts. “You, my dear” he said “are the perfect woman.” She smiled and purred a little as Geoff continued. “I hardly dare ask you this, but tell me, are you this nice to every bloke you meet?” She laughed like a tinkling brook, took his hand, winked and said “No, you just happened to catch my eye.”


  1. Oh, God! Are there no depths to which you will not sink?
    All the same, your Friday posts are unmissable - like those of the rest of the week!