Tuesday 3 January 2012

C*nterbury Tales

So the Welsh beardie-weirdie, Gandalf-alike Rowan Williams has come out (again - we get it, already) about his love for young people. This was hardly the church's best kept secret - damn you grassers, hell for all of you.

He is reported as saying, "When you see the gifts they can offer, the energy that can be released when they feel safe and loved, you see what a tragedy we so often allow to happen,"

Well they can certainly offer gifts, among them such priceless offerings as flat screen TVs, iPhones, Nike trainers and bags of basmati rice. Also, plenty of energy was expended in getting through bullet-proof plate glass, so you can hardly fault that part of his logic.

But, hang on a minute, the rioters were hardly choirboys, were they? You know, those angelic youngsters, filled with love, with wide eyes, wide open mouths and centre-partings. ("Kneel. Good boy. Let me part your hair... there's a good choirboy... shush now.") They would, I'd have thought, have bloody good reasons to go on the rampage.

So, I appear to have got the wrong end of the stick here. He is honestly suggesting that love, actually, is the key and a bit more love would have prevented all this. What, more church love?

But, Rowan you muppet, these kids do know what love is. The brutal, blindly instinctive, animal love of their feral parents is undisputed and they are encouraged to engage in the physical demonstration of love as early as possible. Their social lives are ruled entirely by the ephemeral twin lures of casual sex and consumer goods. In fact, they are the very outcome of this freely available, unrestrained, ignorant 'love', or to use the proper term, wanton fucking. I read a pathetic right-wing blog yesterday which suggested that ruling authorities in the west are spiking the water to inhibit fertility; this is patently untrue - just look around you.

All Rowan Williams' rhetoric is utterly lost because the ones he wants to reach can't or don't read - they are too busy drinking, doing drugs, fucking and rioting. If he thinks the rioters need more love - contrary to all the evidence - maybe he needs to be more specific. I thought that church elders were supposed to be wise, but in the absence of any proof of that I've drawn up a short list of some special types of adoration that might help.

  • Plastic bullet passion
  • Water cannon worship
  • Detainment delight
  • Jail lust 
  • Chain gang cherishing
  • Public flogging fervour, and
  • Execution ecstasy

All of which, I believe, will chime much more harmoniously with the wishes and the wisdom of the public at large. Now, get back to your drums, Archbishop.

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