Ever wanted to be in charge? Well, in my own little world I will be, one day. Just not quite yet. I'm a bit tired at the moment... maybe I'll take over after I've had my little nap.
The United Dingdom - stating the bleeding obvious so you don't have to.
(Sign up to get updates direct to email or follow @Battsby on Twitter)
January will bring snow. A little bit. And after you’ve been ‘snowed in’ for twenty-four hours you will relapse into that cold/flu/norovirus thing you’ve somehow not quite shaken off since New Year’s Day and reluctantly reprise your phone-in-sick voice, an all-time favourite of HR departments throughout the land.
Although it will be getting lighter in the evenings, February will seem like the longest month of the year. Your instincts are almost correct because this February will be the longest February in living memory, just so long as you’re under four years old.
March brings another cold snap and also a snap general election, called by Cameron in sheer frustration at Clegg’s ruinous stance on Europe. In a surprise upheaval Ed Miliband captures the public mood towards the ‘Euro Question’ and his landslide victory heralds the dawn of a new brand of socialism - National Socialism, he calls it - which engulfs the land. The unions are quickly called to heel and nothing is ever heard from Bob Crow again. It’s an ill wind…
April – Meh.
In June, contrary to specific European directives, summer will drag its reluctant, sorry arse over moribund Albion and cheer us up despite ourselves. We’ll still be British at heart but we’ll wear fewer clothes for a while and move about less.
July & August: During the school holidays many parents will take up the exciting challenges of full-time unemployment and in a variation of the traditional take-your-kids-to-work-week, get them started early on binge drinking, an essential part of the holistic life-on-the-old-King-Cole career option.
In September the last remaining Eurozone countries – Greece, Portugal and Italy, will meet to agree a bailout fund for the beleaguered Deutschefranc currency. Herr Miliband, as he now styles himself – a true European - will seize this opportunity to annex the Benelux countries and mount a front from which to march on Merkozygrad.
Herr Miliband demonstrates the new National Socialist salute
October – despite talks with the newly independent Scots, the clocks will once again go back and gloom will descend as it must. The pound sterling will reach an all-time high against every currency in the world and the last working Brits will migrate in their thousands to snap up villas on the Riviera for about a tenner a go.
November through December will see the first official Winterval, as this controversial holiday period is passed into law and requires that all faiths, creeds, beliefs and disbeliefs party like it’s 1949 for two full months until finally, exhausted by the unnatural and un-British bonhomie they will take to their beds with the flu/norovirus, etc…
Happy New Year and tell me I’m wrong.
PS: Haha! See? My evil Ed Millipede prediction slowly becomes reality. Mwah-hah-hah-haaaah!