Whose side are we on?

So, we can start allegedly illegal wars with impunity, we can invade other people’s countries, we can detain internees in Guantanamo almost indefinitely, we can enact laws unvoted for, we can ignore the wishes of the electorate until the cows come home yet we can’t get rid of a loathsome shitbag who hates us and preaches our destruction at every turn. Hava Banana remains under British protection at vast cost despite not even being a UK citizen and being wanted in Jordan to face terrorism charges. True or not – really, who cares? - many attribute all of this to the undue influence exerted by the European Courts on British judicial decision making.

Meanwhile the Bishop of Exeter decides to play politics by doing his bit to undermine the possibility of renegotiating Britain’s relationship with the European Union by tut-tutting in his purple frock and suggesting that David Cameron’s reforming rhetoric is damaging to what he refers to as the European Soul. Europe has a soul? Ah, that’ll be us then, the European Arsehole, backward-looking, apologetic for our former proud past and forever cringing and cap-wringing and self-flagellating and forcing subjugation on ourselves.

Scare stories, lies and deceit. “Bigger is better.” “United we stand.” “Better off in than out.” “We need each other.” What sheer claptrap. The only thing that bigger buys you is more government. More bureaucrats filling ever more virtual filing cabinets with ever more indecipherable Euro diktat. More directives, more laws, more fucking diversity, possibly the most destructive policy towards unity ever invented and by the last government’s own admission deliberately foisted upon us in an effort to cripple any attempt by other parties to appeal to the true British character. You racists, you.

Why do we always end up doing what others want? Do we have some craven national desire to be popular? Why can’t we tell everybody else to fuck off while we mind our own business and strive to once again be good at something? Why do we pour gazillions into the European money brazier when we need it right here? Why do we allow ourselves to be bullied by a government we didn’t elect in an institution we despise?

Because big is not beautiful, big is not efficient. Big is bureaucratic, big is clumsy... big is bollocks. I’m working this week at an NHS Trust, speaking at first hand to employees of the world’s fourth largest employer and what is their experience of ‘the cuts’? You guessed it – fewer on the front line, more in management. Management never acts in the interest of those they manage; management never votes for smaller management.

Thus bishops rarely speak with the voice of their flocks and Ministers long ago lost touch with the party faithful. Even Labour – the imagined voice of the people - is largely at odds with the views and wishes of its core voters even as it bows to the might of the likes of Red Len McCluskey who wants, you guessed it, Big Unions.

Economies of scale work for large companies; they don’t work for countries. Being able to buy cheap in bulk only works if you don’t have to create entire new ministries to do the haggling and distribution. More government is always the wrong answer. So we need some new slogans: “Small is good, too.” “Be better, be British.” “Better out than in” and “Fuck right fucking off, the fucking lot of you!”

Come on then - wipe the smile of my face!

We should celebrate the culture of superiority - it's not racist to be right, it's not bigoted to be the best. Be British, buy British and bollocks to the bureaucrats. Of course, I’m pissing in the wind here because despite all the evidence you see every day you still think the answer to government incompetence is more government. It’s just not. Go back to looking after number one first and you’ll soon see the rewards. Stop blaming others for your failures and you might find success. Little Englander? You’d better believe it.

Cage aux Fury

So, Call me Dave is talking tough on terrorist suspects', deportation and appeal. "Deport first, ask questions later" screams this Daily Mail headline. Obviously he has no chance but he's trying to make some electoral inroads to back up previous out-of-office claims that he was going to sort out this sort of nonsense.

Nonsense? Of course, with Abu Qatada's safety costing us a £3billion per minute and literally tens of millions [estimated figures] of foreign criminals roaming the streets in slavering, rabid, skull-crushing, granny eating mobs of personified hatred, it is an utter nonsense that we can't drive this garbage from our shores. The problem, according to the article is that "Strasbourg has taken a hard-line on removing anybody to a country where torture or ill-treatment takes place."

Well then, the solution is in our own hands. We're too bloody soft. And of course - you know me so well - I have a neat and obvious and cost-effective solution. Let's round up the fuckers and house them all in one big cage - plenty of room in the middle of Hyde Park - open to the weather and open, also, to spectators. Then we'll have the satisfaction of not only knowing where they all are, we'll be able to see justice in action.

Even better, it will become a tourist attraction and provide small-scale employment opportunities for vendors selling sticks and stones and pork scratchings to chuck at them at feeding time. It will be horrible in there! It will be inhuman. And it will be exactly what they deserve.

Go on, son, lob a scratching at 'im. They love it!

And don't you worry about the plight of all those poor human rights lawyers currently fighting for the right of these undesirables to remain in the United Kingdom. Get this right and they'll all decamp to Strasbourg and Jordan and Saudi Arabia where they will tirelessly line their pockets fighting for their deportation.

No need to thank me.