Whitewash!

One of the funniest things I’ve enjoyed chuckling at in recent years is the ‘insert perceived profession’ of colour jollity pouring forth from the poor, unappreciated ranks of the dusky also-rans. From vigorously demanding reparation – ‘white men’s tax dollars’ – for slavery which they insist colours (pun intended) their life experiences to this day, to being unhappy that there were no black Oscars, they are certainly intent on squeezing the maximum juice from the bitter, bitter lemons of their birth-right.

Because, despite the ludicrous ham-stringing of public employers and now private companies by the imposition of quotas and positive discrimination (or ‘affirmative action’ in the USA) we have barely moved on from the ‘token black’ to the risible attempts of today to make our decision-making bodies look like the Dulux colour charts of the 1980s – every shade of white except for actual white. We even had to lie about the efficacy of diversity – diversity itself now being just a way of saying “Look how many blacks I keep... I mean employ!”

And through it all we take care not to offend. How do I call thee? Let me count the ways: We refer to ‘street’ and ‘urban’ as ways of avoiding the issue, as we are still not sure about using the ‘B’ word and we are confused as to why the more accurately descriptive ‘coloured’ is unacceptable; even the lefty luvvie Dominatrix Cumberbitch got into hot water over that one. To try and persuade you from aversion we refer to post codes as being ‘vibrant’, or if it’s a really rough area, ‘challenging’. It’s a jungle out there...

So the latest ‘Persons of Hue’ outrage is over yet another area in which their talents have gone unrewarded because action has not been affirmative enough. Enter @WritersofColour and the mean-spirited lash-out at whitey in what they call their ‘Turbo Trash’ Award. Turbo is a clear euphemism for ‘white’ here as they invite their ‘diverse’ audience to vote for the writer who has caused them the greatest butt-hurt in post-tragedy reporting. That Maajid Nawaz makes the list alongside Katie Hopkins and Rod Liddle is merely their way of saying that in their opinion Maajid may as well be white - only white people are capable of discriminating by colour.

Bloody white bombers!

Because, of course, it’s all about the colour, isn’t it? The solid belief that when people state their fear of being blown up while going about their daily business it is simply due to racism. That racism informs the backlash against the free importation, without question, of millions of people from a religious ideology which has world subjugation at its heart. To defend yourself from attack – perceived or otherwise – is a hate crime against the attackers because of the colour of their skin. No, darlings, it’s not their skin colour that we have a problem with – it’s all the other stuff.

Look around you. A nice, friendly shopkeeper was just murdered by a supposed ‘fellow’ muslim for being a nice, friendly shopkeeper. Young girls are forced into marriage with old men and ‘legally’ raped. White girls are targeted and trafficked as fuck-toys for ‘persons of colour’ who just happen, exclusively, to be muslims. Gay men are murdered by gravity. Their pigmentation is the very least of our concerns.

Did it ever occur to you that white liberal society bends over so far backwards to ingratiate itself with blacks ... coloured people ... persons of colour that the only reason they don’t win more stuff is that they write or act out their grievances purely for an audience of colour. Maybe – and here’s a thought – they could just write or act better? Or write about non-black concerns? Take a leaf from black track athletes and actually out-compete your white rivals on a - literally - level playing field. (But whatever you do, Whitey, don’t you dare to refer to the natural advantages black athletes bring to many sports!)

Why am I not on the list?

I, for one, am not going to get my knickers in a twist about it all. To me the existence of all these exclusive little black clubs is like the wannabes on Britain’s (not) Got Talent all got together and started their own television channel, where the mediocre can hold ceremonies to award prizes for mundanity to the most talented of the not quite talented enough. Now, if you don’t mind I’m off to enjoy my Easter Egg – white chocolate, of course.

This is for my support group...

The next chapter in the story of all-must-have-prizes features Hollywoodland, Spike Lee and a frankly pitiful strop at the paucity of Oscar nominations and the total lack of awards for ‘actors of colour’. Part of the problem is we have no idea what to even call performers with a darker complexion any more, still less whether or not we would be thought patronising to praise them or give them awards. Can’t they just be, you know, actors, without the former-slave chips on their shoulders? Anyway, don’t our dusky cousins have plenty of their own whites-not-welcome events, awards and self-pity groups?

The apparent slight is compounded of course by the fact that one of the sisters is in charge. You may have thought that if it was such a big deal Academy President, Cheryl Bone Idle might have fought their corner, although she did put out a statement:

"While we celebrate their extraordinary achievements, I am both heartbroken and frustrated about the lack of inclusion. This is a difficult but important conversation, and it’s time for big changes.”

‘Inclusion’ of course and always only applies to BME luvvies. You whites, you get all the best roles. God, for instance (Oh wait, Morgan Freeman.) Time for big changes, you say? Maybe a big change could be to stop making pictures with a blacks-only theme and white-racially-exclusive storylines? Just a thought. Cheryl continued...

"The Academy is taking dramatic steps to alter the makeup of our membership. In the coming days and weeks we will conduct a review of our membership recruitment in order to bring about much-needed diversity in our 2016 class and beyond ... we have implemented changes to diversify our membership in the last four years. But the change is not coming as fast as we would like. We need to do more, and better and more quickly."

Why? Why diversity – which, by the way never includes whites in any field? Diverse always means visibly different. Hey, maybe people don’t necessarily want to watch visibly different, preferring to favour ‘familiar’, ‘comfortable’ and even just, you know ‘great actors’ and plots which don’t have a convoluted social message to convey? Just, you know, a thought...

“We recognize the very real concerns of our community, and I so appreciate all of you who have reached out to me in our effort to move forward together."

Why can’t ‘moving forward’ mean ‘suck it up and get better at it’? Now, of course, Hollywood is rending its collective garments and weeping and gnashing its teeth and wondering how to bend over backward to reward mediocrity without it being too obvious. A special black Oscar section, along the lines of Best Supporting Actor (or, as we all know it, ‘also-ran’) maybe? Why do supposedly proud black heritage actors want the sympathy and pity of inferior, pasty, white folk anyway?

A famous black actor speaks out

When Halle Berry got her statuette and made that awful speech I can’t be the only person who suddenly looked at her differently and thought, “She’s black? I hadn’t really noticed.”

Any black person who henceforth receives an Oscar will be regarded as having got it through affirmative action and the imposition of quotas. The Oscars were already as questionable, merit-wise, as the New Year Honours List but now... The default position for all those second-raters who convince themselves that they are discriminated against is to take away the ball. So, thanks Spike, Jada Pinkett-Smith et al, for demanding a consolation prize and turning the Oscars into America’s Got Talent.