When you wish upon a Death Star

I will probably not watch Rogue One, at least not pay to watch it. Actually, no, it’s more than probably; the franchise lost any fascination for me after the first two. But I’m sure I will encounter the force of the millions of words which will be written about it... none of which matter one little bit. I get it, it’s a classic saga of good versus evil, love will overcome, be nice, be loyal, you don’t always get what you want, surprise twist, equality, diversity, happy-clappy, return of the Nazis, trouble with socialism, perseverance wins, don’t get your hopes up, American values, anti-American values, boo capitalism, shame about the liberals, don’t trust the establishment, the establishment are the only ones you can trust, morality tale.

Some of words will bewail the Disneyfication of Lucas’s vision, others will praise it; most will miss the point. Big-grossing blockbusters influence our culture, but to what extent is this deliberate and how much is it the mere mirroring of trends already there in embryo? We may never know, but there is no doubt that future-shaping is at the heart of big money. They used to call it marketing, which implied putting the offers out there and promoting them by repeated exposure creating a desire to own. But a curious side effect was that consumers not only want to own a phenomenon, they want to live it; they want to be it. Which is where outfits like Trend Bible come in.

On their website they state: ‘Trend Bible is a home and interiors dedicated trend agency, working with inquisitive, recognised brands to predict change.’ But how much of the raisons d'être of  ‘trend agencies’ is pure prediction and how much is to do with cause and effect? Are they genuinely forecasting or actually influencing? It’s easy to claim clairvoyance when your forecasts are suitably vague – ‘we see autumn shades with maybe a splash of more ‘vibrant’ highlights, reflecting our optimism/pessimism/indifference and home technology will be big... except for those who deliberately choose otherwise...’ I was listening to this bull on Radio 4 yesterday lunchtime and it got me thinking.

Trend Bible are one of the new style of pointless 'experts' who charge clients £1200 for their trend forecasting book which claims to predict two years in advance, what people will want to do with their homes. TB says ‘Whether it’s social, cultural or taste-driven, our job is to find out which future trends will impact your business and help you capitalise on them.’ This is the easy bit; having paid for your forecast the next thing is to make it and sell it, otherwise you wasted 1200 quid. But this is paltry in comparison to the mega-corps. Disney don’t just make movies, they imagine a whole new world and make you want to live there. You buy the tee-shirt, get the action figures and become the hero.

It’s politics, isn’t it? Polls long since abandoned the fruitless task of forecasting your preferences and are now used to tell you what those preferences ought to be. So, my prediction for 2017 is that politics will continue to shovel the same seven tons of bullshit into your ears and sell you the same old stories disguised as aspiration and participation. Wear the right rosette and your dreams could come true. Unless, of course, you are cleverer than that and don’t fall for their lies. Are you? Are you cleverer than that? If so, this is how you should vote...

PS: Since Obama has been handed his arse on a pate by Putin and Merkel has grudgingly admitted she may have been wrong about opening the borders wide, the two big stories of 2017 will still be Brexit and Trump. You heard it here first... wanna buy my trend book?

Har-har Wars

There is a new Star Wars movie out, apparently. The Farce Awakens. Original boxed Star Wars figures – toys made never to be played with but stored, cossetted and later coveted by middle-aged men who came out of cinemas in 1977 not emulating the oh-so-cool Han Solo but considering whether to invest their pocket money on a ridiculous Wookie or the motorised vacuum cleaner R2D2. They are laughing now or rather, if there is any justice, they are gazing up at their still-boxed treasure, wondering what happened to their misspent youth. Things get old. George Lucas is old, Star War is old.

The Labour Party is getting older by the minute, too and the cracks are well past starting to show. Electing the sort of progressive ‘firebrand’ that Jeremy Corbyn seems to represent has exemplified this more than anything. You may not have noticed, Labour, but the man is not exactly the galvanising media whore that last got you elected, back in 1997. The Thatcher-lite New Labour era was the closest Labour ever got since the post-war years to actual popularity, as opposed to the grim class struggle which typified Jezz’s firebrand days. He may be ‘only’ 66 but his politics are as old as communism itself.

Now, I’m going to say something controversial here, but bear with me. Given the rocky road that awaits all politicians these days – life in the goldfish bow of public scrutiny, suspicion and contempt and possibly ending in ignominy as you are pilloried for behaving the way all we imperfect people behave – the price of power must rarely be worth the ephemeral rewards. Why then, do they do it? I have to believe that, like the George Lucas franchise, people keep telling them that what we really need right now is another tedious re-telling of the same old story. But with Labour the farce really is with you.

Far from the new politics he promised, Obi-wan Jenobi has created an enormous rift between the various factions of the fanciful rebel alliance he purports to lead. And just as nobody can reveal the plot of the Lucas movie, few seem to be able to say very much about settled policy for Labour. But what we do have is a growing cast list of heroes and villains and the latest comic relief is provided by the charming Labour MP Jess Phillips. Not content with telling Diane Abbot to fuck off she is now doing her bit for party unity by promising the glorious leader “I won’t knife you in the back, I’ll knife you in the front.” Helpful that isn’t.

Two more hopes... Bob and No.

Well, I won’t be watching Star Wars. I am, after all, no longer twelve. But I am utterly intrigued by the intriguingly dynastic and perennial saga of wrinkly old sages, robotic minions, heinous villains and fairy queens of Labour’s long-running pantomime. Jeremy Corbyn’s travails have only just begun and before he can really begin to take the reins and crack the whip he has to tackle the dissenters; more referee than leader. This winter, the only show in town is The Umpire Strikes Back