When you wish upon a Death Star

I will probably not watch Rogue One, at least not pay to watch it. Actually, no, it’s more than probably; the franchise lost any fascination for me after the first two. But I’m sure I will encounter the force of the millions of words which will be written about it... none of which matter one little bit. I get it, it’s a classic saga of good versus evil, love will overcome, be nice, be loyal, you don’t always get what you want, surprise twist, equality, diversity, happy-clappy, return of the Nazis, trouble with socialism, perseverance wins, don’t get your hopes up, American values, anti-American values, boo capitalism, shame about the liberals, don’t trust the establishment, the establishment are the only ones you can trust, morality tale.

Some of words will bewail the Disneyfication of Lucas’s vision, others will praise it; most will miss the point. Big-grossing blockbusters influence our culture, but to what extent is this deliberate and how much is it the mere mirroring of trends already there in embryo? We may never know, but there is no doubt that future-shaping is at the heart of big money. They used to call it marketing, which implied putting the offers out there and promoting them by repeated exposure creating a desire to own. But a curious side effect was that consumers not only want to own a phenomenon, they want to live it; they want to be it. Which is where outfits like Trend Bible come in.

On their website they state: ‘Trend Bible is a home and interiors dedicated trend agency, working with inquisitive, recognised brands to predict change.’ But how much of the raisons d'être of  ‘trend agencies’ is pure prediction and how much is to do with cause and effect? Are they genuinely forecasting or actually influencing? It’s easy to claim clairvoyance when your forecasts are suitably vague – ‘we see autumn shades with maybe a splash of more ‘vibrant’ highlights, reflecting our optimism/pessimism/indifference and home technology will be big... except for those who deliberately choose otherwise...’ I was listening to this bull on Radio 4 yesterday lunchtime and it got me thinking.

Trend Bible are one of the new style of pointless 'experts' who charge clients £1200 for their trend forecasting book which claims to predict two years in advance, what people will want to do with their homes. TB says ‘Whether it’s social, cultural or taste-driven, our job is to find out which future trends will impact your business and help you capitalise on them.’ This is the easy bit; having paid for your forecast the next thing is to make it and sell it, otherwise you wasted 1200 quid. But this is paltry in comparison to the mega-corps. Disney don’t just make movies, they imagine a whole new world and make you want to live there. You buy the tee-shirt, get the action figures and become the hero.

It’s politics, isn’t it? Polls long since abandoned the fruitless task of forecasting your preferences and are now used to tell you what those preferences ought to be. So, my prediction for 2017 is that politics will continue to shovel the same seven tons of bullshit into your ears and sell you the same old stories disguised as aspiration and participation. Wear the right rosette and your dreams could come true. Unless, of course, you are cleverer than that and don’t fall for their lies. Are you? Are you cleverer than that? If so, this is how you should vote...

PS: Since Obama has been handed his arse on a pate by Putin and Merkel has grudgingly admitted she may have been wrong about opening the borders wide, the two big stories of 2017 will still be Brexit and Trump. You heard it here first... wanna buy my trend book?

Happy New Horrorshow

So here we all are again and another year over, done for, sorted, fizzled out... and as we drag our weary carcasses into 2013 what can we expect from the grey, drizzly months ahead?

A dose of reality says that the just and justifiable war on welfare will continue, as it must, until the ridiculous notion of propping up everybody on benefits is ended. The opposition can belly-ache all they like, but they were instrumental in getting us here by a deliberate policy of prescribing addictive handouts for everybody except the super-rich, who they believed would happily pay for it for ever and ever, Armani.

But of course it’s going to be much worse than that. Breaking the addicts’ cravings will cause pain up and down the food chain as welfare is replaced by black marketeering and a bit of light looting which, as actual crimes, will be far outside the remit of the police force who are far too busy breaking organised offence-taking activities and stamping out malicious gossip on Twitter. The twittle-twattle battle will continue.

But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? Well, it ain’t the sun, and it’s unlikely to be any sort of new beginning so, sod it, forget the load of old bollocks we’ve had until now and let’s greet 2013 with some cheery NostraBatsby predictions.

2013 will be the year when all political parties will competitively embrace gay marriage and in that spirit, Ed Balls will lovingly plight his troth with Ed Miliband while their ex-wives get it on in a highly publicised girl-on-girl bout, eventually garnering thirty-seven hits on YouTube... gangnam style!

A five year old retired wind turbine will be elected as head of the Green Party in a closely fought leadership battle against newly-avowed eco-warrior, Abu Qatada, who having renounced Islam in favour of an even more unfeasible belief system now has his hopes set on the biggest council house in the land; Number 10.

In foreign news the European Commission will decree that the use of the word ‘Farage’ will be punishable by the newly restored death penalty. Anybody found guilty of ‘Faraging’ or inflicting ‘Faragement’ on another will be subjected to a slow, but inevitable choking process comprised entirely of indecipherable bureaucratic diktats, edicts and directives. A new red-tape dawn for 'Yerp'.

In the summer the royal family will welcome its newest member and in a bid for popularism the young Prince Mohammed Andrzejek Leroy Manny-Already will be baptised in a Judeo-Christian-Islamic-Rastafarian-Zoroastrian ceremony in a yurt at Glastonbury, presided over by Simon Cowell and the winner of the latest Britain’s Got Nothing Better To Do show.

Global warming – sorry, climate change – will cause ice storms in Kent and a minor tsunami off the Mull of Kintyre, while golf balls the size of hailstones will batter Cornwall throughout much of July and East Anglia will become a series of flat, muddy islands and be redesignated as a shipping area: “Fisher, Dogger, German Bight, Humber, Peterborough...”

In summary then, a year ahead much as every other year. And all we can do is look helplessly on as we slide deeper into the abyss. And on that positive note - A Happy New Year to you all!