Addicts Anonymous

Your loveable local celebrity enjoys nothing more than basking in the limelight, or at this time of the year, Christmas lights. They are never happier than when they're opening a new shop or signing an old photo of themselves in a line up of motley X-Factor neverquitegottabes. Failing that, they'll grab the headlines wherever they can; spilling out of a dress next to the red carpet at a premier; falling out of a cab near a nightclub for which they're not on the guest list.

Or how about hopping off the wagon of whatever the addiction of the day is? Good plan - and what a choice they have these days. You've got your run of the mill alcohol problem, or if you're a bit more laid back you could try kicking your tried-it-once heroin habit. You can book into re-hab for addictions of all shapes and sizes; Tobacco, work, working out, chocolate; take your pick. You can even become a sex-addict in treatment for the purposes of raising your profile. ('Addicted'? To sex? Really? I mean, I tried it once and it wasn't so bad, I suppose, but 'addicted' to it? Where do you find the energy?)

But you've heard of all those before, right? They've been done, they're old hat. The new, up and coming addiction is coke. You heard, coke, or to be more precise Coke, with a capital 'C'. That's right. This nugget* thinks he's hooked on the real thing.

What a knob. Or, more accurately, what a lazy, lardy-arsed, gullible moron. The story says it hasn't caused him any medical problems. Really? Has he actually seen the photo? I can have no sympathy whatsoever and that goes for pretty much every addiction in the book. By the way, you'll see no mention of fat-bloke's occupation in the article, I wonder why.

For a teeny-tiny minority I can accept that there is such a thing as addiction, but for the rest of us it is a convenient excuse for laziness, stupidity, introspection and plain old lack of moral fibre. Before I get letters, I don't care. Pretty much every real addiction can be cured by going cold-turkey and although I'm no doctor, I'm sure that the made-up ones like this can be cured by catching yourself on.

But, it's okay, I have a solution to the travails of Mr Jones. As outlined in my manifesto, we all have to pull together in these troubled, austere times. I plan to feed the obese to the unemployed and by the looks of him he'll go a long way towards making it a hearty and festive Christmas.


(* I say 'nugget' because it is more polite than "fat twat")