Sunday, 20 November 2011

My Re-in-Coronation

I watched Ken Barlow (Actor, Bill Roache) on BBC's Sunday Morning Live*, talking about his belief in reincarnation. During the show several people attested via Skype, via email, via text and Twitter of their proven, evidential reasons for also believing. Their proofs? "It happened to me/my mum/my spirit guide..." It was hilarious.

I have a number of beliefs - I write about them here - but I don't pretend to have undeniable evidence for them, despite their palpable truths. I believe that idleness is generally a bad thing and that idle people breed more idle people. I think that locking people in prison does prevent them from committing crime and that the chance of rehabilitating habitual offenders is slim and expensive, so I further believe that keeping them locked up is far more effective at curtailing their activities than letting them go. (I have an even better solution to 'really bad people' but it's been tried before and the soft-of-stomach don't like it.)

I think that every day that passes in which no proof whatsoever is presented in support of the existence of any kind of god should be taken as evidence against. And that after many thousands of years of this we should maybe start to catch ourselves on. Palmistry, the occult and psychic healing are actually demonstrably bollocks with known harmful effects and yet some people still choose to believe in them rather than give in to the simple notion - Occam's razor and all that - that what we have, here on earth, is all there is.

So, I've been doing some research and this is what I discovered:

My survey revealed that nine out of every eight people would have preferred not to have been interviewed in the first place. Of those nine, ten of them said they would back a UK-wide referendum on the viability of referenda in a democracy, with three in seven asking me to explain what a democracy was. Further, 105% of them declared their literacy, numeracy and IQ to be 'above average' although 23% did not understand the question. (One respondent thought it was something to do with Swedish furniture) Asked to name the president of the European Union, ninety-percent said, "Do I get my McDonald's coupon now?" The final question, "If you were a turkey, would you vote for Christmas?" was warmly received with most asking "Will there be presents?" Yes, my dears, you'll be stuffed full of them; parsley, sage ,rosemary and thyme...

This, I think you'll have to agree, is conclusive proof of my thesis that almost nobody either understands or really cares what happens next. In or out, rich or broke, in the name of Uncle Albert, gawd bless Hooky Street. So I believe I have proved there exists a massive mandate in favour of me doing exactly what I like as king, so long as the KFC remains on tap and we continue to smuggle in cheap, counterfeit booze and fags from east Europe.

Job done; a bloodless coup. Which way is Westminster?

(*Yes. It is hosted by Susanna Reed, coincidentally. But I'm really not a stalker.)

1 comment:

  1. All surveys should include at least 10 control questions relating to "The Magic Faraway Tree" by Enid Blyton, that should help sort the illiterate from the illegitimate !