Pants on Fire

If you eat an apple pip, a tree will grow in your tummy. When Mr Whippy sounds his jingle it's to let you know he's run out of ice cream. And Father Christmas will only come to call if you're good. Yes, all you caring parents, what consummate liars you are; you should be in government.

There is no doubt that a good old-fashioned, whiter-than-white fib is fab. Far better for children to hear about Santa's magical powers than the truth that the jolly man in the big red suit is likely to be an unemployable, alcoholic, sexual predator with a predilection for pre-teens.

You then tell your kids that if they tell the truth, they won't get in trouble. But how soon do they realise that was just a cynical ploy to get them to dob each other in? Nobody likes a grass. And as for the one where you say, "This is going to hurt me more than it will hurt you." Hah!

Now your credibility is all but gone and soon your charges will become better liars than you and run rings round the old folk - then you know your job is done.

Kids grow up, learn the facts of life, then leave and begin new lives of their own. When the poor orphan, Greece, was found mewling on the doorstep, the kindly faces of Gunther and Genevieve looked down on her puckered-up features and agreed to adopt. "We'll keep you safe from yourself," they said, "we'll let you stay in our house."

Good people lie when they need to. Fools continue the lie long beyond its useful life. The bad parents of this Euro-soap have lied and cheated and deceived and conspired and connived and told not white lies but wholesale untruths about Europe. They told so many lies that now they can't see the truth and - caught out in the lie - stick to the story no matter how increasingly fantastic that story sounds. If you keep pulling that face, Germany, France, it will stay that way. (And if you play with it too much, Berlusconi, it will drop off!)

Now Greece has woken up to the lies, faced up to dad and may soon fly the coop. It's always a struggle, making ends meet after you leave home. But how much better for all of us to accept the challenge and get our own houses in order before we worry about keeping the old gang together. Time for a reality check.

Europe? It's been a pack of lies - on all sides - since day one. Thank Jones for our independent state. The United Dingdom.


Don't join us, we'll only lie to you. (Now that's an honest politician for you!)