Saturday 10 September 2011

Rocket Surgery

I've just had the misfortune to sit through England's dismal performance against Argentina in the rugby world cup. They won, but only by a squeak and it was a match you could only really comfortably watch with your hands up to your face to avert the worst of the horrors. The match commentary was augmented by the use of 'social media', by which I mean that Konrad and I exchanged texts and a couple of phone calls during the game (Konrad is my Foreign Minister and occasional moral guide).

Anyway, stuff the game because what was truly amazing was the technology at play. On the other side of the world, thirty blokes from two different nations grapple in the mud for control of a ball assembled, no doubt in yet a third country. Gawd knows how many cameras are involved, but sufficient in number to watch the match from any angle at any distance and in wonderful clarity. The images from these cameras are collected by skilled editors and technicians, encoded into a data stream, beamed up into space and redirected by satellite to arrive in my living room almost instantaneously, where they are decoded by my television, which itself is a miraculous piece of technology.

My point? Well television is watched by all sorts of people; scientists, surgeons, engineers, financiers, teachers, doctors, mentors and thinkers. You name it, they'll be represented. All sorts of intelligent, ingenious, worthy people to whom you could explain how the technology works and who could no doubt be trained to design, construct and operate it. These I have no problem with, so what IS my point?

It's this: The vast majority of TV watchers are NOT intelligent, worthy people and can loosely be described as the great unwashed, amongst whom are the kinds of morons who engaged in the looting a few weeks ago. Such people do not deserve that the fruits of the labours of many, many useful people delivered up to their subsidised dwellings virtually free of charge. They do not deserve to be able to regard television and many other modern miracles as a right and to disregard and take for granted the effort that goes into creating such diversions for their tiny minds.

So, in my new kingdom technology rights must be earned. If you have a job, or are self-supporting and keep out of trouble you will have the same kind of access you have now. If you are not contributing to society you will have to pass an examination for each type of technology you wish to use in order to demonstrate, if not true understanding, at least an appreciation of the effort to which other people have gone. It's my guess that the 'right' kind of people will be incapable of passing the exams for anything beyond cycling and using a footpath.

But don't worry that that will leave a whole underclass of people denied the use of all things modern. Don't fret that they will then turn to mischief as a diversion. Oh no. The test centres will also be detention centres and those who fail will simply be detained. After all, if they can't pass the telephone and computer exams, if they can't demonstrate an understanding of electricity, how could they possibly be set to useful employment?

That's right, the world will always need rocks to be broken up and given that the new world prisons will be hard labour establishments, the solutions are right beneath our noses. Straight from school to prison for the wrong 'uns - problem solved!

Now say thank you.


  1. Here's a suggestion your Majesty.
    Hurrican whizzing in from the Atlantic this evening with heavy rainfall & flooding predicted, so why not order all the unemployed & obese good for nothing scroungers to be conscripted into human flood defences. Simples ;/)

  2. Why, Ken, that`s monstrous!

    Keep up the good work!