Be My Widgy

Of course, not everybody who drives a BMW is a total tosspot. Some are just mild wankers while others are merely harmless idiots. But why anybody these days would want to drive one is curious.

Beemers used to be associated with status - an elite marque for a high-achiever. But therein lies its problem, y'see. Once upon a time, when people had to earn the right, it was a choice to either work hard and save or work hard and be promoted into it. Now, it seems, it is the car of choice for anybody who thinks they are a cut above the rest.

And that self-assessment process is deeply flawed. If, when you look in the mirror, you see a men-amongst-men, a leader, a silverback, then fair play to you. But it's only your opinion; and in my opinion, if that's what you see, it's almost invariably not what others see. They see you as a strutting buffoon - or indeed, baboon - a walking grandiloquent onanist, looking for a bigger dick to be a dick in.

Next time you're tailgated, cut-up, flashed-at, beeped-at or otherwise abused on the roads take note of what car they are driving. My scientific study has revealed that it's going to be a Beemer at least fifty percent of the time. And then take measures to avoid them because many of these drivers are deeply psychologically flawed.

So, in the new Jerusalem, anybody wishing to purchase for themselves such a vehicle, new or second-hand, will come under the automatic scrutiny of the state's jerk-off assessment team. And unless they can come up with a satisfactory, reasoned account of why they want one, they will be summarily executed.

The same applies to anybody with attack dogs, gangs of snarly-faced hangers-on, knife carriers, face-tattoo-wearers and so on, although having taken out the BMW-coveters there will already be far fewer of such others to deal with.

You have been warned.