Tuesday 20 September 2011

Choice Cuts

Variety, diversity, choice, whatever you call it, it's ridiculous.

There are only so many ways you can mix up pulped tomatoes, a few herbs and preservatives, so why so many varieties of tomato-based cook-in sauces? All processed food tastes pretty much the same anyway, so the only distinguishing features are introduced by cynical marketing additives such as labels, price and the shape of the bottles.

Cars - why so many different makes and models? What's to discriminate one from another?

Pizza? It's cheese on toast, with some other bits added in; it's Welsh rarebit with tomatoes (bloody tomatoes again!).

Everywhere you look it's choice, choice, choice and it's advertised as a good thing. Clothes, shoes, furniture, mobile phones, crisps, fizzy drinks, carpets, curtains. Even bloody dogs - why so many different shapes and sizes of ugly, dirty, antisocial child substitutes? And all this choice is bad for you. It's because of choice that we have leisure shopping. And shopping as a pastime is downright evil; ask any man.

What the hell?  Humans are not equipped to make sensible choices - see the divorce statistics - so in future there won't be any to make. You will have a very simple selection of small, medium and large in quality ranges of cheap, just-the-job and pricey. Colours will be restricted to those with a proper name, such as red, green, etc. (Taupe, my arse!)

And you will all be grateful for it. Grateful because I will save you so much time you will be able to do all those things you've been putting off for years; get some exercise, read some books, play with your kids. You'll live a better, more worthwhile life because you'll no longer covet your neighbours slightly better version of what you've already got.

Say goodbye to envy, embrace freedom from choice, do as you're told; you know it makes sense.

No comments:

Post a Comment