Wednesday 21 September 2011

Mobility Allowance

Hallelujah! A light in the darkness, as a headmaster tells the truth about academic selection in schools.

The failed comprehensive school debacle has been going on since 1965 - that's forty-six years up the paddle-less creek and whole lives have been desperately sacrificed to the gods of equality and diversity, inclusivity and whatever other claptrap the non-teaching teachers have dreamed up.

Because, let's face it, is those who have left the chalk face that like best to pontificate about how to scale it. Working teachers are too busy trying to stay alive in the blackboard jungle and dream of the days when facing students will be a thing of the past for them too.

Child-centred education, collaborative learning, experiential learning, the initial teaching alphabet, look-and-say, the utterly ridiculous over-use of non-effective whiz-bang information technology to try and get through to infantile fifteen year-olds who can't yet read effectively. Play before work, reward for indolence, the refusal to instil a work ethic. The idea that children should actually be consulted as to how they wish to be taught!

It must all go. So herewith my manifesto for children:

Children to be sterilised and have vocal chords removed* at, or very shortly after birth. (Voice returned once trained but fertility only to be reinstated after the age of 23 and having passed certain strict socio-economic tests). One parent to be required by law to remain at home during the formative years, to play with their kids and be tasked with house-training them and instilling basic discipline - all kids to be capable of 'sit', 'stay' and 'heel' on command before being admitted to school.

School to consist of two years Infant Education consisting of the alphabet, times-tables, writing, drawing, singing and play-time. Followed by four years in Junior School: Absolutely NO computers or calculators allowed and all work to be hand-written in fountain pen. Then a return to sensible secondary education - the school of hard knocks where competition is all and only the strong survive. Eleven plus, grammar schools and then on to tech, poly, white-tile, red-brick or oxbridge on merit alone. Selection at the discretion of the establishments and all Labour Party Gala Bingo 'universities' to be abolished forthwith.

All state education will be free and higher education accessible only for those who warrant it - 10% at best.

Corporal punishment? I hear you ask? What's my policy on that? I'll go one better and not only reinstate corporal punishment but introduce capital punishment for the worst offenders.

You know it makes sense.

(* Thanks, Ken - credit where credit's due.)


  1. It would appear that Your Majesty may have inadvertently overlooked mentioning Micro Chipping and the Barcode tattoo !

  2. Not at all, mon brave, not at all. But we don't want to give it all away in one go, do we now? ;o)