Saturday 24 September 2011


The scoreline for the England v. Romania game this morning was England 67, Romania 3.

In the new kingdom the career advice to all will be: stick to what you're good at.

I wouldn't expect men to be heavily involved in nail care, for instance. Nor would I think it unreasonable that petite, wee girls be dissuaded from hefting heavy hods on building sites. I'd advise fatties not to set their sporting ambitions at Olympic heights and would positively discourage the thick from having any aspirations other than perhaps becoming a bit less thick.

Throughout the population, certain groups excel in quite specific areas of expertise. The majority of male dancers seem to be gay, or at least effete. Tall, black men are almost exclusively represented in international sprinting competitions. Women dominate the world of nursing and dogs make by far the most efficient sheep-herders.

So, to keep the field clear and avoid disappointment, it would be wrong of me to advise the general population to involve themselves in enterprises in which they are doomed to be out-competed. I say leave the fields of street violence, prostitution, drugs, cash-machine thefts, fraud and people-trafficking to the natural experts. Talking of fields, certain groups also seem to have cornered that particular market already.

In the new world we'll all fill a niche. That way, not only do we end up with everybody doing what they're best suited to, the authorities will also know where to find you.

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