Friday 30 September 2011

Dig for Victory!

Phew, what a scorcher! It's been an unseasonably warm end to summer/start to autumn,depending on your pessoptimism* rating, as a result of which I have been having to make policy decisions from a deckchair in the garden. Even dictators need to 'chillax'** every now and then.

Having already declared my manifesto for technology - you're not allowed technology that you can't either earn, explain or fully appreciate - my musings turn to mother nature. There she is, grafting away, while I sit in the sun eating ice cream and appreciating all that effort. Not that she does it all by herself though; no, that's just what she wants you to believe.

Before all the natural stuff I had to put in a session of digging, raking, sifting, planting and watering. Now I'm at the tending (sitting in a deckchair) stage it's plain sailing and I'm looking forward to the harvests next year. Well I would be, only my reverie is disturbed by various ne'er-do-wells who are enjoying the September sun in ways that don't meet with my approval. These ways include open windows, loud music, afternoon drunken arguing (you know who you are, neighbour) and a level of insouciant indolence that cannot go without correction.

So, I now have a vegetable-orientated directive.. A carrot canon, an onion ultimatum, a mushroom manifesto.. the lettuce law! With a burgeoning population and an eye on profits, mankind has taken to feeding itself with all kinds of, what can only be described as, crap. As a result everybody is fat and lazy and the population keeps on growing - and not in the right portion of the demographic either. I'm going to fix it.

The kingdom will only support the population it can feed and that population will have to learn to feed itself. It's perfect; a return to an agrarian lifestyle. People will learn to appreciate effort and the efforts of others. They will discover the contentment to be had from a bit of manual labour and the satisfaction of eating food that isn't uniformly brown, fried and full of msg.

Those not employed in the factories will be occupied on the state farms and with a bit of luck everybody will be so knackered there will be little energy left for either resistance or procreation. It's a win-win solution. You lot win because you get back some quality of life. I win because maybe then you'll shut the f**k up and let me get on with my little snooze.

Mind how you go, now.

(*My kingdom - I can make up any words I wish.)
(** I can also ban words. Chillax will be banished henceforth.)

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