Celebrity Squares

So, what's caught my eye today? Not much, really. The news is all financial, confused and although desperately important, insufficiently understood by one and all, least of all bankers, economists and politicians. So, we're in good hands here, then. The continuing Israel-Palestine argy-bargy? Not interested; call me when it's sorted. I may be out that day.

But there's a type of news that never seems to grow old - celebrity guff. It's everywhere.

Today I learn the following important stuff:

• "Ex Eastenders star Lacey Turner's spotty bikini proves a big hit with her beau." and
• "TOWIE's Gemma Collins pours her newly-slim curves into a skintight dress for day of filming." (Still fat, curiously.) and that 
• Kirtsie Ally says, " I didn't want to have fat sex, but now I'm ready for love."

If I'm getting this it seems to be that all you need to do to become famous and feted is to appear on camera fat, (or pregnant, or both) and unattractive, then reappear a few weeks later, a bit less fat, just as unattractive, yet strangely reborn as some sort of talisman for lardy wimmin everywhere. (I have to assume that only women want to know about this stuff; the alternative is too unbearable to contemplate.)

Anyway, this is all great news. It means we really don't have to worry one jot about female tokenism in the boardroom. The spectre of quotas for girlie politicians need never be an issue. And we can probably ignore all and any of the bleatings of the right-on, girls-on-top feminista for ever more.

So, to keep the chicks on board with the revolution I propose free subscriptions to Heat magazine and any other gossip rags and plenty of sound-proofed, pastel-hued girlie lounges where they can meet to discuss babies, kittens and other fat women to their hearts content.

Peace out, sisters!