No, what we need are ever more impressive infirmities, maladies and melodrama. We need to celebrate the complexes, exaggerate the ailments and fill our waiting lists with the sicknesses, signs and symptoms of advanced disorders befitting our increasingly pallid, infantilised and ineffectual population. Tell somebody they are unwell and lo' they will take to their state-funded bed and wait to be cured.
"But our hospitals are overcrowded!" they wail, as low self-esteem competes for attention against eat-too-much-itis.
"Then we shall build more!" sayeth the 'profit' "Build it and they will come!"
"But you spent all our money!" they object.
"Why, we shall spend thy children's money then. And thy children's children's..."
"And there will be enough nurses?" they ask.
"Nurses? Fuck off! What use are nurses against the modern malaise?" spake the profit. "We need consultants and accountants and managers and alchemists and hoodoo and voodoo that you do so well..." And thus was born the private finance initiative.
I really don't care whose fault it is. I couldn't give a damn what colour tie they wear to the House of Commons. Somebody - and it might as well be me - needs to stand up and say it out loud. There's nothing wrong with you. Now fuck off out of my hospital and get back to work you malingering poltroon!
There, that's fixed the NHS. No need to thank me.