The Name of the Beast

The more measured and sane commentators have taken care to distinguish between weather and climate and between prevention (which is impossible) and mitigation (which is expensive but necessary) when discussing the events of the last week and the devastation and disruption to thousands caught up in the northern floods. But what a bumper festive season it has been for the rent-seekers; the lobbyists, the propagandists, the commentators and the chattering classes, all demanding ever more unearned income to maintain their own lifestyles at the expense of and with no gain to those swept away by the torrent of ideology.

It took no time at all for LBC to wheel out world renowned climate expert, Yasmin Alibhai-Brown, to discuss ‘the serious reality of climate change’ on Stig Abell’s show. A plethora of Greens exposed their pale complexions to the harsh spotlights of willing broadcast media, all too ready to give them a platform. And later, Sky News invited yet another famously non-partisan scientist, George Monbiot, as a credible interpreter of the causes of the deluge and its cure. Then yet another giant of meteorology and ecology, the actor Michael Sheen, ‘guest-edited’ the Today Programme and squarely put the blame on those asking for help.

As always, those lost in the background noise emanating from all these empty vessels are the very people who need action, not words. The resources are here for recovery – our armed forces were ready as ever to knuckle down and do what a politician will never do; get their hands dirty. There is also money, plenty of money, but much of it goes to grease the wheels of commerce in corrupt foreign lands; buying limousines for thugs with private armies to subjugate their own people. But what was missing – what is always missing – was simple pragmatism, stripped of dogma and ready for action.

Whether we are responsible for progressive climate change is irrelevant. Naming every other Atlantic depression as Storm Frank Spencer or whatever, in a bid to make people believe they are witnessing extreme events is irrelevant. Whether increased CO₂ warms or, as is increasingly being suggested, cools the planet is irrelevant. How large our Green taxes rise is irrelevant. A single large volcanic eruption, impossible to predict with current techniques, can result in worldwide weather disruption way in excess of any forecasts for anthropogenic climate change for several years. The El Niño-Southern Oscillation and its contrary sister La Niña are complex, difficult to forecast, entirely natural climatic events which have been blamed for truly extreme weather... usually after the event.

Don't pay the Ferryman!

Extreme weather is a feature of planet Earth and any effect that human activity has or may have is minimal and has proved elusive to determine, with each set of data the ‘facts’ are made to fit the delirious and hysterical beliefs of converts to the Church of Climate Change. And of course, what better source of converts than those affected? Why would you not say you believe if it helps bring much-needed relief? The beast walks among us in sheep’s clothing - an iron fist in a velvet glove - and its propaganda is pure genius; any adverse weather can be used to summon it. To surrender your soul to the beast, all you have to do is say its name. 

Climatemongery

All right, I don’t usually blog on a Saturday but I’ve just been listening to climate mong-supreme, Chris Smith talking to sycophants Ken Livingstone and David Mellor on LBC’s morning show. It appears that La Smith, the big gay lord with a cartoonist’s sketch for a face is standing his flooded ground. I hope he has waders because this shit is going to get deeper. (Yes, yes, ad hominem attack but fuck it - it's what they do all the time.)

He blathered on about there being a definite, established pattern of more extreme weather due to climate change when even the most pimple-faced, juvenile ‘perfessor’ of climate propaganda isn’t so stupid as to make that claim. It’s filtered through to government too, with any number of MPs from the Prime Minister down blithely trotting out the line that yes, the climate is changing and yes, it’s mankind’s fault and yes, there is no doubt in their minds that recent over-reported extreme weather is proof of all this.

The outrageous Aussie communist Natalie ‘Gordon’ Bennett from the Green Party has even gone so stupidly far as to call for every climate change sceptic throughout the land to be sacked from any position of influence. So much for free speech, the allowance of differing opinion and well, for simple common sense. No doubt under a Green Government we would all wear the same environmentally friendly hemp sack-cloth and ashes and go about self-flagellating and apologising to Gaia while subsisting off lentils and sheltering in cave-communes between our shifts toiling to maintain Wildlife Refuge UK.

But hey, let’s ignore the unsettled science that says there is no pattern – for heaven’s sake just like economics NOBODY knows – and apply a modicum of calm and reason. Let’s ignore the lumbering state-funded quangos and think tanks and activists and above all ‘thinkers’ and let's turn instead to the ‘doers’. Instead of endlessly debating whether or not it’s real and spending £Billions on paying overstuffed bureaucrats to play pass the parcel with policy, why not draw a line under the whole fiasco and get real?

Cut Green funding right now. All of it. Stop penalising businesses, stop loading the energy prices and stop the fuck out of the green gravy train. Pay wind-farmers the market rate for the energy they generate and not a penny more. Hold them to contribution contracts and penalise them when the wind doesn’t blow, just like with any other service industry. If it’s viably economically they will survive – but while they are doing the sums (Prediction: not one single large scale turbine will ever be erected henceforth) let’s get busy saving the country.

Build new power stations, frack for gas, consider coal reserves. Patch up the potholes and repair the railways and where it is appropriate, traditional and right to do so, dredge the waterways, re-forest the hillsides and build flood defences and sea walls and, in short, put the British people first. Create employment based on real, practical things that cost a fraction of what it costs to pay for ideology and utterly relegate the climate debate to a sideshow.

Do this for ten years and restore this crumbing country to some semblance of dignity and then – and only then, when we fixed the things we CAN fix – see if there has been any provable man-made climate change in the meantime. If unequivocally there is, if the currently far from undisputed science can finally show a genuine link, Little Britain will have contributed sweet-FA to it compared to China, Asia and the USA, but at least we won’t have wasted another ten years imagining we did. And at least we will be ready.

Lapping it up

Kissing babies. Who in their right mind would want a politician kissing their baby? Yet that’s what they did, back in the day. Thankfully that odious practice appears to have been consigned to the waste paper basket of electoral strategy. Unfortunately, the fish out of water technique of getting in everybody’s bloody way hasn’t. Thus every available pair of soft, clammy hands was suddenly on deck to kiss the metaphorical babies of the flood victims. That will be the flooding which, as far as Westminster was concerned, only just appeared out of the blue in the last week?

Christmas. It was as long ago as Christmas that thousands of homes were left without electricity after the first winter storms. Not a politician in sight. Then, week after week the rains came, the waters rose and people in the area began to get angry as the largely avoidable after effects compounded the damage. Finally, after an inadequate government response Eric ‘sandbag’ Pickles was despatched to shore up the coalition. And he did. He did and said the right thing. He said sorry. He admitted not enough had been done. He apologised again and pledged support. (And if you are in any doubt as to whether he was right to criticise Smith, you should read this article on what the Environment Agency is really all about.) 

And what happened? For the act of not backing up the lily-white boys of privilege in their inexcusable sloth he was berated. Honesty was NOT a policy any side wished to be equated with. Neither sympathy. Nor action. But then, after giving good old Eric a dressing down for doing the decent thing, it was as if Westminster’s own floodwater broke and the Southwest was deluged once more; this time by a torrent of airtime-hungry, ne’er-do-wells fighting over each other to be seen to do exactly what Eric had done. They must genuinely believe we are stupid, as false promises and insufferable platitudes dripped all day from our speakers.

The LAST thing the people of the Somerset Levels need is to be descended on by film crews and politicians, looking for their fix of disaster porn. And in a brazen and breath-taking show of making political capital from the losses of these beleaguered people Ed Miliband appeared in his wellies to make it clear that “now isn’t the time for politics”. One day – I’m not holding my breath – I would like to see a senior politician shut the fuck up, roll up some sleeves and grab a shovel, a sandbag, some debris… and actually DO something. Because unless you are actually there to help - not just 'fact-finding' - all you are doing is getting in the way.

And apart from moments of inept unintentional comedy, such as when local MP Alok Sharma asked Miliband exactly what he thought he was doing, the sum total of his contribution was to look exactly like the pointless,opportunistic gob on a stick he is. Oh and he kept touching people in an insincere and slightly creepy way that would get him punched over and over again if he tried it on the kind of ordinary people to whose votes he believes he is entitled.

No amount of money will put things right, so David Cameron’s heroic soundbites last night: “Nothing is more important than dealing with the floods” and “Money is no object in this relief effort” do nothing to paper over the cracks. But if the flooding has done one thing it has shown up how little the lives of ordinary people intrude on the Westminster bubble. It’s been going on forever, but since the New Labour project bounded onto the stage, government has drifted ever further away from the people it is supposedly there to serve. Not until votes were under threat was it clear that Westminster had even noticed.

So, Labour, Tory, LibDems, if you were scratching your heads wondering why millions of people are considering ‘throwing away’ their votes on UKIP and worrying about them splitting your voting base in many marginal seats, there’s your answer. While you were all ignoring the anxieties of the population over immigration, falling wages, housing, education, Europe, the economy, HS2, foreign aid, the NHS, rich foreigners buying up half of London, multiculturalism, riots, violence, FGM, creeping islamification of inner cities, the loss of British identity, pensions, the return of tuberculosis, slum landlords, electoral fraud and on and on and on… while you were ignoring all of that the whole nation was storing up the kind of resentment towards central government that you are seeing in Somerset.

So, by all means go and dabble in the mud pies, get yourself on the telly trying to look like you give a flying fuck, but don’t think appearing in the lapping waves will make you anything other than the useless Cnuts we all know you are.

Conspiracy!

Now, I like a good conspiracy theory as much as the next man but I never expected to stumble across this story which will rock the supposedly free world to its core. I was researching the influence of over-ripe Camembert on the French philosophers during the turbulent period of Cardinal Richelieu’s undue power over King Louis XIII’s monkey court in the Indian jungle and I was concentrating my readings on the search for man's red fire when, quite by chance, in Dan Brown fashion, I uncovered an audacious plot. Read on and be amazed.

A number of verses of the King James Bible contain the valuable advice, meted out for centuries: “As ye sow, so shall ye reap.” “Do unto others...” And “what goes around comes around.” Shakespeare’s prince of Denmark tells us “There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.” Oh yes, forget the ex-Tory, now ex-UKIP fruitcake who blamed the floods on gay marriage, it’s so much worse than you imagine and it goes back many years.

Just suppose you were a Middle East nation with designs on world domination were it not for the damned British and American infidels who dared to trespass on your land and make it give forth its secret hoard of untold wealth? And suppose you wished to punish these same nations for their daring to bring you education, roads and hospitals. Such designs against the express wishes of allah-baba that you remain ignorant in your barbarity could not go unpunished. And then, to add insult to injury... Israel. The religion of peace was well peaced off.

Thus the Arab League held secret talks and plotted and planned and made divers conspiracy to establish a fledgling insurgent cell in Europe that infiltrated an organisation which later came to be known as the European Coal and Steel Community, itself an offshoot of earlier attempts to communise the countries of Europe by violence alone. Forget the jihadis – they are just an elaborate distraction to keep the authorities’ eyes focused elsewhere. No, the real destruction of the British kaffir is to come about by biblical means. No, neither smiting nor locusts, but... read on:

Long before Anthony Charles Lynton Crosby Mohammed Blair was busily orchestrating an elaborate ‘war on terror’, Ralph Miliband was being cuckolded by Sheik Yahbhouti of Syria and his cuckoo inserted into the house of Marx at the heart of the Fabians. Yes the strings of the Labour Party are pulled by a mysterious race of desert-dwelling lizard kings and Edward Samuel Aziz Mustafa Miliband is their latest heir apparent, on course to keep our appointment with self-destruction any time now. Every word of this is true.

The Arabs hate us for our water; it’s the one thing we’ve got that they haven’t and so they have carefully orchestrated the setting up of a malign dictatorship throughout Europe, swamping administrations with ever more grandiose visions and ever larger taxation to pay for it all. From political correctness to regional grants for skateboard parks the excesses of the EU leviathan are designed to distract from a little known part of the Common Agricultural Policy  - the subsidies to encourage the deforestation of our hillsides.

Ed Allahband

Yes, my friends, while we are being exercised by bendy bananas, free movement of peoples and working time directives, while we are waging war with the barbarians at the gate and squabbling amongst ourselves, slowly but surely Britain is drowning... and not just in red tape. It may sound plausible now, to blame the weather on UKIP but now you know the truth it is incumbent upon you to act. The fighting fund accepts PayPal – you know it makes sense! 

Snow Joke!

So, the big speech has come and gone and the pundits have had their say. Blogs have been published, Twitter has been beside itself and no doubt Owen Jones has blocked thousands more from following his account. I haven't yet seen Polly Toynbee's champagne-fuelled contribution to what she likes to consider rational debate but regardless of all that we now have a job to do.

Of course, no two parties can agree exactly who must do what or exactly when it must be done to prevent the potentially catastrophic consequences of getting it wrong on the day, but all are agreed that now is the time to act. It will take time, it will absorb resources and it will take an army. An army of pressed men to create another army. An army of... snowmen!

Yes, to assist with flood defences the Environment Agency has suggested that snow and ice compacted into snowmen might melt more slowly and help prevent thousands of homes being flooded during the big thaw. (No, seriously, click the link and read it for yourself.)

You will die for your country... very slowly.

In other news, once the thaw is complete, Britain's mighty fleet of wind turbines will be driven in reverse to counter the mad March winds, all journeys will be officially designated north to south (being downhill it will help save on fuel in order to cover the cost of running the turbines) and the wearing of Cor Blimey Trousers will be banned to end the decades-old demonising of noble dustbin men everywhere.

(I'm moving house this week. If you could all click on the 'donate' button below and chip in a few quid to help me with diesel, tyre wear and tear, Road Tax, Council Tax, Value Added Tax, Tax-tax, food and shit, that would be lovely!) 

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