Skools for Fools

Now that my Marxist mentor has educated in me in the ways of high finance and I truly understand the path of righteousness, it seems I am ready for Part 2 of my transformation to true believer. Whilst I used to accept the notion of the existence of Marx, I thought it was a bit like Tolkienism and I never expected to meet an actual, card-carrying Hobbit. (Or do I mean tokenism; another popular leftist outcome?)

The Second Book of Ridicule sets out to right society’s wrongs and once again I find that all I once held dear is woefully at variance with the yellow brick road to peace and love and happiness for all. (Remember, all this is from a real life encounter with a true sage of the enlightened Left.) 

On education, I am now informed, equality is all. Apparently it is utterly elitist and morally wrong to divert resources to allowing some to become good at anything and mixed ability classes are the only moral option. As Snowball might have said 80 IQ points good, 100 IQ points bad… but some IQ points are worth more than others. 

Under the red reality no effort or expense will be spared until every child has reached an equal level of achievement. If that means an ever increasing spend on educational technology, classroom assistants and a constant re-writing of the syllabus and grading system then so be it. Only when every child scores an ‘A’ in the new Level Ordinaire Academic Fundamental Educational Result certificate can we say we have won. We need to turn out as many A-grade LOAFERs as possible. 

My grizzled old wise owl has taught me that such principles may be employed just as equably to solve all of our problems and salve all of our consciences. Regardless of what history, observation, calculation or common sense may tell you, Marxism tells you it is never wrong to rough out a philosophy on the back of a fag packet and then stick to it relentlessly. 

If I may be so bold as to extend the doctrine: 

In sport, all must win trophies. Take football, for instance: one day there will be only one football team in the land. (And it won’t be Liverpool.) All employment law will be made by the workers and all tribunals will find in favour of those horny-handed sons of toil. Criminal compensation will become exactly what it sounds like; after all it’s a brave man who would burgle his fellow and it can’t be easy getting by on a felon’s wage.

Cabinet colleagues prepare for PMQs

Finally, the sacred NHS will be run for the patients by the patients. This will apply just the same in the mental health sector; it seems the lunatics really ARE the right people to be running the asylum.

(I may need now to drink myself into helpless, bed-wetting oblivion in order to help me recover a healthy equilibrium. An enormous swing to the right may be what's needed. Watch this space as I go through the recovery programme.)

Tell them about the money, honey...

You must forgive me for my bloggy tardiness this week. I have been detained in ways the details of which you need not know. Suffice to say, I am now at large and at liberty to divulge that which I have gleaned.

Ensconced in close company with an earnest Left I have learned at first hand the serious error of my judgement. I must now atone for my former sin of believing in market forces and base human nature. So quick, make haste and gather close, for I have a tale to tell which may not wait in the telling. Two things have I learned: 

In my hand I grasp the fertile beans of the Socialists’ Magic Money Tree. Sown wisely they will reap prosperity for all and I bestow to you the formula, as vouchsafed to me by that elder. I know you will use it to benefit all mankind. 

State employees are paid out of taxation. From this tax-funded wage, they in turn pay tax, which creates employment for those who collect the revenue. So, the principle is clear; public employment actually creates more employment. By logical extension then, employing more public employees will eventually create full employment and end the need for a welfare state, which was all the fault of the capitalists in the first place, according to gospel. 

When I queried where the money came from to pay these wages I was informed, as if to a backward child, that it came, of course, from the original tax take. “From the private sector?” I offered, to be met with skyward-rolled eyes. “No, silly,” he said, “we get it from the first batch of public employees.” I objected that as they are paid more than they are taxed this couldn’t work, but “Aaaaah” he said, tapping his nose, if we tax them at 25% then after four weeks we’ve got it all back and after five weeks we’re in profit!” 

So, there you have it, the key to all the world’s economic problems. Close the factories, board up the mines and let the fields go to grass, for all can be solved by employing everybody as tax collectors, inspectors, ministers, councillors, coordinators, evangelists, champions and various other jobsworths in Marxist heaven.

Lest you think this is levelling up the playing field by progressively digging down to bedrock and then keeping going, let me reassure you that the wise one would brook no argument against his thesis. The money tree is real. 

Ho ho! That's magic!

But wait! I said I learned of two things. The second is almost as far-reaching as the first. You may need to sit down to hear this particular gem, but to this old fool – and there’s no fool like an old-skool fool – the BBC is nothing more or less than the propaganda arm of the establishment. That’s right, folks. According to the Left, the BBC is institutionally right-wing. 

You couldn’t make it up.

PS: For anybody who subscribes to any form of left-of-centre ideology, I should explain this this blog may best be described as satirical reportage. You know, because you have no sense of humour and all that...