Does my memory fail me, or was it only a few months ago
that Ed Miliband said Labour was going to bring back socialism to Britain? Cue
much cheering from the trade union stalwarts and a raft of accusations of
puppeteering behind the scenes from the, er, the opposition, for want of a
better descriptor. Ah, the soap box days, the up-close smell of the great
unwashed among whom Ed walked to heal the sick and bring comfort to the dying. How quickly we forget; Ed’s latest big, new, policy-free election
campaign gambit is to appeal to the middle class.
Does he know who the middle class are? Traditionally they
would have been among the staunchest of the anti-Labour vote. They were the small
business owners and white collar workers, the people who paid the bulk of the
tax. But thanks to social engineering John Prescott’s 1997 announcement –
greeted with derision then – has come to pass. Yes, “we’re all middle class
now”. Social boundaries have blurred to the point where a person’s profession
no longer reflects their income, status and, crucially, their voting
preferences. Nobody knows who the middle classes are any more.
Luckily Labour have managed to ease the solution to the ‘what
class am I’ conundrum by wiping the working class off the political map altogether. Not
by the promised route of raising their aspirations and their opportunities and
elevating them to the hallowed middle class plateau but by progressively lowering
the prospects for everybody else. What we used to call working class are either
mouldering in idle obscurity, appearing on Benefits Street or else they simply aren’t
even British any more.
So which is it? Appeal to the middle class – whoever they
are – or bring back socialism? Luckily the answer isn’t far away; yesterday on
the Daily Politics, former Labour MP Chris Mullin actually stated that it was important
to "bind the middle classes into the welfare system" That’s right, once
everybody is on some form of benefit they all belong to the state and socialism - at least of a sort - is reality. What’s next Ed, going for the bankers vote? Whoops, too late, they
already moved abroad and moved all their money with them.
You know, the old class system wasn’t so bad - at least
you had a place to be kept firmly in and you knew who to look up to…or down
upon. Now nobody has a bloody clue to what ‘class’ they belong. Equality is just
a crock of political bullshit, meaning that once everyone is equally subjugated
we can label them as we wish; the classless society, where everybody is pegged
at attainably mediocrity.
They both work for me now. I win
This illusory egalitarian disease is no respecter of
boundaries either and manifests itself across party affiliations. The
Conservatives used to have the middle class but if Labour are claiming that
ground then sod it, enlarge the already discredited honours system, give out
gongs for, say, services to hairdressing and pasty making and cat grooming and
maybe once having had a job. Arise Sir Jedward, arise Lords One Direction, ‘ey
up Lord Scargill: arise, arise and get thee to a mongery. Best get extending the second chamber,
we’re going to need it. We’re all Upper Class now.
