Trump or Clinton - Trumpton?

Phwoar, look at the baps on that! Marks out of ten? I’d give her one! Terrible arthritis, she has... hands like that! *mimes holding melons* Skirt, gash, fanny, split, Wendy, Judy, Sheila, bird, slag, bitch, tart. Ah, woman, how do we know thee, let me count the ways... So, Donald Trump is guilty of bloke talk in an unguarded moment a decade ago. So what? The reactions have been as predictable as the existence of this tape. Of course he’s a letch, of course there’ll be others, have you not been paying attention?

As newly castrated male politicians line up to denounce him, casting stones to which they have no entitlement, they use words like offended, sickened and disgusted. Really? Or are they mostly just relieved it wasn’t them? Relieved they weren’t famous enough to be wired for sound when they were bragging to their buddies.

Do I think Trump’s an egotistical wanker? Yes, of course. Do I think this debars him from office? Of course not – that is almost a necessary prerequisite for this job and few of his predecessors in the history of the presidential race can claim they’ve never boasted of their sexual skirmishes. Hypocrisy is more than a word to the illiberal left; it’s practically an entry requirement. Who among us doesn’t have some moments for which we would turn the clock back if we could?

In some parallel Earth the nice guy would get the girl and success would accrue to whoever ran the most ethical business. Bribery, corruption, lewd behaviour and the misuse of office would be the fictions of perverse minds and a minority taste at that. But look at what sells in this world; the most ordinary of soap operas feature sexual impropriety that would make Trump blush. Our novels are awash with big conspiracy, corruption at its heart. And you can barely move on the internet for pornography to satisfy every warped taste.

As much as you may loathe the man and as much as you may convince yourself that he is unfit for office, Trump is what he is, what he always was. But just look at yourselves; from the overwrought reactions in the media you can almost imagine his reputation would suffer less from the broadcasting of a video of him beating a tramp to death with a Champagne bottle. Hell, he’s even apologised for it – or at least he’s said sorry for being caught – but that may not be enough.

Politics isn’t about truth, it’s about perception. And perceptions change; that’s the thankless task of the media. If the US election was unsightly up until now, with each side telling tales to teacher on the other, stand by for it to become downright ugly. Trump’s team will be poring over the peccadilloes of Bill Clinton with a fine toothed comb and if it wasn’t for his Jimmy Savile-like ability to feel no shame he ought to be quaking in his boots.

A fine pair...

Do I want to know all the stuff that’s going to come out in the next month? No, not really, but like a slow-motion car crash, it’s going to be hard to look away. But, however much you may need to hold your nose in order to elect The Donald, always keep in mind what the alternative is. Trump or Clinton... what a massive pair.

Nellie the elephant

Trump trump trump! Before you jump to any ill-advised conclusions, Donald Trump is not the elephant in the room.  Everybody’s talking about him. From the early hours of yesterday on LBC through the morning’s Today programme on Radio 4 and then throughout the day the news that The Donald didn’t win the nomination in Iowa was trumpeted with undisguised glee and his supporters dismissed as bigots and racists and dangerous simpletons. Trump himself has had to endure bile that would provoke any left-wing politician to call the cops. He had it coming, said Yahoo! 

Now I’ve never liked Donald Trump, the man, from what I’ve seen of him over the years; brash, vainglorious, ridiculous hair, vocally incontinent and certainly no diplomat. But, as a politician, the way the left has reacted – employing an ideologically based hate campaign against him – is not only reminiscent of the Nazis, it smacks of real fear and loathing. And all of that visceral antipathy transfers straight to his supporters. The left fear nothing as much as they fear the will of the people and rather than try to win on their own terms, they instead revert to tried and tested, negative campaigns of discreditation.

On this side of the Atlantic, of course, the establishment hate figure is Nigel Farage, who despite two decades of personal sacrifice in a cause he believes in and despite his millions of supporters, is portrayed by that same establishment, without any apparent intended irony, as a fascist demagogue. And yet the support for both Trump and Farage is not some enchantment they have cast over the stupid; they are both simply saying what the entrenched parties won’t. And there are very many more, besides, who while not intending to vote for either man, know that the old parties offer no hope for change.

On both sides of the Atlantic the establishment is fighting for its life. The settled order is under real attack from both left and right – Bernie Sanders, Donald Trump, Nigel Farage, Jeremy Corbyn – and the desperation is showing. Corbyn’s election in particular has rattled the centre-leftists of the old-New Labour, which is hilarious of course, but all now seem to be semi-united against a common enemy. David Cameron. Cameron has gone full Ken Clarke over the EU and to prove it he is hailing his we’ll-think-about-it proposal to the other EU states as a victory when even the Daily Torygraph knows it’s a sham.

This upcoming referendum is nothing whatsoever to do with minor details; it’s not about emergency brakes, migrant benefit caps etc. In fact where have we got ourselves when protecting benefits is the greatest concern? Nobody, anywhere, should be living off the state unless they simply cannot fend for themselves and nobody should have the choice to sit on their arses and expect a comfortable living. Immigration has distorted the labour market, the EU socialist federation has distorted domestic politics and multiculturalism is steadily eroding national identity and eliminating indigenous cultures; what the fuck is wrong with socialists that they actually want more of this?

It is time to reject the impossible dream of the European National Socialist Party and its enforcers. It’s time to stop pretending that we need the EU. And it is long past time that we took back politics for the benefit of the British.  Thankfully, across social media, the voices for remaining in are muted while there is near-universal contempt for Cameron’s handful of magic beans. Whatever you personally think of them we need the Farages and the Trumps. And as for 'The Donald', I personally hope he doesn’t pack his trunk and say goodbye to the GOP circus. We need all the fun we can get.