All you need is love and lunacy

I swear there’s going to be a right old kerfuffle when the various parties finally hit the electioneering wall; peaking too soon is piss-poor planning. Labour in particular are going hard at it, having just lapped up every morsel of social engineering poison the Fabians dripped in their direction. But the Greens! The Greens are on fire! (Or maybe that’s just their Christmas tree recycling plant?) In a bizarre green surge the lentil and mung bean bozos experienced a boost in membership after being rejected for the on-again-off-again leaders’ debates, so out of curiosity I had a gander at this: the Philosophical Basis of the Green Party. Gosh, it’s like I hit the mongfest motherlode! ‘Elders of Zion’ has nothing on this mushroom-fuelled moronry.  

There’s a whole load of unrealisable shite in there if you wish to soil your soul and wade through it but I’ll paraphrase:

“In Green Britain everybody will care for everybody else and we will all share equally and cooperate to live in harmony with Mother Earth and all her bounteous, er, bounties and everyone will wake up every morning to blue skies and little fluffy clouds and we will all be happy ever after for ever and ever, A-nongenderspecificpluralnoun.” In support of such laudable neverlands the Greens propose to introduce a “Citizen's Income sufficient to cover an individual's basic needs” whether working or not. Yeah. That’ll do it.

Of course it’s a moot point; in all likelihood the Greens will have precisely one fewer MPs after the election if people vote based on satisfaction rating – have you seen what they’ve done to Brighton? There has been much excited chatter about the expected outcome and most pundits are calling a hung parliament and thus the need for another coalition. Nick Clegg may yet be king-maker even with half his seats gone, but there are other coalition options to consider and some combinations have not been given nearly enough consideration.

How about, for instance, a Tory-Ukip-LibDem powerhouse; a partnership so riven with internal hatreds it will spend all its time ripping itself to shreds, giving the country some much-needed respite from interfering government. Or how about a Labour-NHS Action-Respect coalition, whereby George Galloway gets to be Prime Minister after threatening Ed Miliband with his muslim 'friends' while Rufus Hound tries out his comic routines on the Daily Politics’ Andrew Neil (with hilarious consequences, as they used to say). Meanwhile everybody will be happy, by order, in their individual community ghettoes.

The SNP are expected to do well in May. There’s a worry; rule from a foreign country (irony klaxon). Fortunately I can’t think of a single other party who aren’t too frightened of the be-kilted furies to get into bed with them. But just imagine all that short, pale, ginger anger harnessed to the various communist splinter groups - you'd have sufficient hot air to outperform all the wind farms put together – that’s about three kilowatts - on a blustery day in Parliament. Wouldn't that turn the Greens, er, green?

Get angry - Vote Green

Whatever protest you have in mind for your ballot there's plenty to chose from. You may be amazed to learn that, as of 18 December 2014, the electoral commission has some 422 political parties registered in the UK. Among them are such interesting themes as the Pirate Party, the No Candidate Deserves my Vote Party, Peace and Progress, Class War, the Roman Party, Idle Toad, the Church of the Militant Elvis Party and the Fancy Dress Party, I kid you not. All of which brings us neatly back to the Monster Raving Loonies. But, enough of the Greens; they have no chance.

Foul! Ref!

Like drunken fans watching the football in a crowded pub, jostling for a view, proffering their views, the press, the public and the politicians were all watching different games yesterday. And as usual the post-match discussion went into extra time with some confusion as to who had won, or indeed lost..

"We wuz robbed!" declared the ageing defender, Vince Cable, "The game should have favoured the older ones, but we all got left out at the back."

"I wouldn't have played the four-five formation." commented brutish mid-fielder Balls, "I'd have gone five-five, catch them off guard, then hit them with a counter-attack where it hurts." he explained. "Then kick 'em in the bollocks!" he added, unnecessarily, as the interview was already over. Adenoidal Ed, the away team coach, had nothing to of value to contribute to his familiar, repetitive whine.

England Manager, Shiny Dave "charisma" Cameron said, "The lads done good and we come away wiv a point each, so, you know... like..." He ended in characteristic, enigmatic fashion, leaving it to others to provide cover for a lacklustre performance.

Team captain, Georgie "boy" Osborne summed up the game*, "Well, like, it was a great game, like, you know. And , er... it was all, like neck and neck for the first fifteen minutes, then, you know, we hit our stride, like... and from then on it was, you know, 45% for the next half hour... When the final whistle come, like, we wusn't sure where the score was and all... There was that, er own goal and everyt'ink, so in the final analysis the lads done good and we'll have to wait for the, erm, er.. next round, like," he concluded. "Innit."

(*Works best if you imagine he's using Steven Gerrard's voice!)

Following a protracted discussion after appeals were raised, the game was declared a draw, with both sides claiming the moral victory.

 How much on a packet of fags? Bugger!

Don't ask me what to make of it - I was at work all bloody day! For what it's worth, just like every budget there has ever been there, there is little room for anything other than tinkering at the margins and the outcome for almost everybody will be genuinely insignificant. (We all have income ups and downs and can control our spending to suit.) Yet, all we'll hear about for the next year will be the fourteen people who can genuinely claim to have been denied a livelihood because they represent an incalculably small and statistically negligible demographic whose circumstances were impossible to factor into the national accounts.

Next topic, please!?