Conspiracy!

Now, I like a good conspiracy theory as much as the next man but I never expected to stumble across this story which will rock the supposedly free world to its core. I was researching the influence of over-ripe Camembert on the French philosophers during the turbulent period of Cardinal Richelieu’s undue power over King Louis XIII’s monkey court in the Indian jungle and I was concentrating my readings on the search for man's red fire when, quite by chance, in Dan Brown fashion, I uncovered an audacious plot. Read on and be amazed.

A number of verses of the King James Bible contain the valuable advice, meted out for centuries: “As ye sow, so shall ye reap.” “Do unto others...” And “what goes around comes around.” Shakespeare’s prince of Denmark tells us “There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.” Oh yes, forget the ex-Tory, now ex-UKIP fruitcake who blamed the floods on gay marriage, it’s so much worse than you imagine and it goes back many years.

Just suppose you were a Middle East nation with designs on world domination were it not for the damned British and American infidels who dared to trespass on your land and make it give forth its secret hoard of untold wealth? And suppose you wished to punish these same nations for their daring to bring you education, roads and hospitals. Such designs against the express wishes of allah-baba that you remain ignorant in your barbarity could not go unpunished. And then, to add insult to injury... Israel. The religion of peace was well peaced off.

Thus the Arab League held secret talks and plotted and planned and made divers conspiracy to establish a fledgling insurgent cell in Europe that infiltrated an organisation which later came to be known as the European Coal and Steel Community, itself an offshoot of earlier attempts to communise the countries of Europe by violence alone. Forget the jihadis – they are just an elaborate distraction to keep the authorities’ eyes focused elsewhere. No, the real destruction of the British kaffir is to come about by biblical means. No, neither smiting nor locusts, but... read on:

Long before Anthony Charles Lynton Crosby Mohammed Blair was busily orchestrating an elaborate ‘war on terror’, Ralph Miliband was being cuckolded by Sheik Yahbhouti of Syria and his cuckoo inserted into the house of Marx at the heart of the Fabians. Yes the strings of the Labour Party are pulled by a mysterious race of desert-dwelling lizard kings and Edward Samuel Aziz Mustafa Miliband is their latest heir apparent, on course to keep our appointment with self-destruction any time now. Every word of this is true.

The Arabs hate us for our water; it’s the one thing we’ve got that they haven’t and so they have carefully orchestrated the setting up of a malign dictatorship throughout Europe, swamping administrations with ever more grandiose visions and ever larger taxation to pay for it all. From political correctness to regional grants for skateboard parks the excesses of the EU leviathan are designed to distract from a little known part of the Common Agricultural Policy  - the subsidies to encourage the deforestation of our hillsides.

Ed Allahband

Yes, my friends, while we are being exercised by bendy bananas, free movement of peoples and working time directives, while we are waging war with the barbarians at the gate and squabbling amongst ourselves, slowly but surely Britain is drowning... and not just in red tape. It may sound plausible now, to blame the weather on UKIP but now you know the truth it is incumbent upon you to act. The fighting fund accepts PayPal – you know it makes sense! 

News Blindness

I suffer an affliction, a cross I've had to bear for many years. I am partially news-sighted and cannot see what others see. So-called news items which engage the British public often leave me cold and disinterested. I also have a compassion-gap, for which I am extremely grateful. So those two ‘qualities’ make me react rather differently at times to the great unwashed out there. Here are a few of the kind of news stories that regularly fail to move me either way:

I am largely unmoved by stories of babies with ghastly diseases. First, it is not national news. It’s sad, it may even be tragic, I’m happy when they pull through, but I’d rather not hear about it at all, and the overuse of the adjective ‘brave’ devalues the whole story.

Similarly, animals. Animals do things out of blind instinct, not through any humanistic sense of nobility or justice... or bravery, for that matter. The same lack of nobility and justice also applies to many humans. Why then, is everybody mock-surprised when people in positions of responsibility and power and driven by natural human acquisitive instincts turn out to be corrupt, venal or just downright dishonest? So, I really don’t give much of a toss about the Leveson enquiry.

Not all foreign news is of any interest either and this especially applies to American primary elections. Why Twitter glows red-hot with indignation when one religious nut-job wins over a gun-toting redneck in a three-way competition with a climate-change apologist when none of us will ever hear of any of them ever again is beyond me. I bet the Yanks don’t follow the Lickhill ward bye-election.

In the UK we get a lot of weather. We’re bound to, plonked betwixt some pretty disparate confluent air masses and the vagaries of the Gulf Stream gyre. Sometimes it's cold. Sometimes it's hot. Often it’s wet and windy and sometimes you’ll get lots of different weather in the same day. But it’s not news for goodness’ sake and if you can't cope with that maybe you should just leave. Which sort of brings me to the only bit of news I could manage to give a stuff about today

Nobody is struggling with 'grinding poverty' in the UK, no matter how desperately some people yearn for that to be the case. Sure, you might need to reconsider replacing your telly or taking a holiday this year, but you won’t starve. Neither will you be put out of house and home. But if working people can’t afford to live exactly where they want, why should you be able to remain in accommodation those same working people could never afford? I don’t see why poor old benighted Stoke should suffer you, but the principle of moving your unproductive flesh somewhere cheaper is sound enough.

The Hanley Hillbillies - There goes the neighbourhood

Whatever else it is it is not ethnic or social cleansing as this article claims. it is simply the husbanding of scarce resources The working give enough to the unwaged as it is and nobody owes you a living. If you are over here on a benefits raid then maybe it’s time we opened the door so you can return to your former life. Pay for you forever or pay your airfare home? If I were you I’d shut the fuck up, before somebody puts it to a vote.  

Hulk Hoseban

It’s mid March, we’ve had a dry winter and already there’s a hosepipe ban in some regions. For fuck’s sake, there are barren, desert locations, where it hasn’t rained for generations, with better water management. I imagine a colony on the planet Mercury would cope immeasurably better than Britain. And even the horrors of Hades don't extend to not being able to water your geraniums.

When I write ‘Britain’ I do of course exclude Caledonia, whose internationally renowned wateriness is second only to standing under Niagara Falls for ten minutes every day... twice. They say Scotland has two kinds of weather – ‘raining’ and ‘about to rain’. This is somewhat unfair and untrue: I once visited Scotland and it never rained at all. (It was a Monday. 1976)

Asking people to save water by thinking about it and being sensible and abstemious – shower, rather than bath, turn off taps, stop washing your kids tee-shirt every bloody time he takes it off, etc – is about as effective as asking people to only spend what money they actually have; to save for a rainy day (okay, bad example). Nobody thinks they are part of the problem. 

And of course, people will ignore a hosepipe ban the way they ignore any rules if they think they won’t get caught and nobody will get hurt. If imposing bans was an effective course of action then we could have simply banned crime, sickness, thickness and Socialism and our Albion would indeed be a green and pleasant land, albeit with some dry, brown patches.

But here in the United Dingdom we take rules seriously and to that end I shall immediately desist from bathing, flush once a day, save up my pee for the garden, wear my underpants for two days (two days more than usual, that is), never wash the car or the windows (like I ever do either!), drink only cold drinks - all that wasted steam - and save up my bitter tears for desalination and re-absorption/seasoning later.

Oh yes, I’m doing my bit all right; come this summer's traditional riot season it certainly won’t be my fault if the police water cannon runs dry.