Hulk Hoseban

It’s mid March, we’ve had a dry winter and already there’s a hosepipe ban in some regions. For fuck’s sake, there are barren, desert locations, where it hasn’t rained for generations, with better water management. I imagine a colony on the planet Mercury would cope immeasurably better than Britain. And even the horrors of Hades don't extend to not being able to water your geraniums.

When I write ‘Britain’ I do of course exclude Caledonia, whose internationally renowned wateriness is second only to standing under Niagara Falls for ten minutes every day... twice. They say Scotland has two kinds of weather – ‘raining’ and ‘about to rain’. This is somewhat unfair and untrue: I once visited Scotland and it never rained at all. (It was a Monday. 1976)

Asking people to save water by thinking about it and being sensible and abstemious – shower, rather than bath, turn off taps, stop washing your kids tee-shirt every bloody time he takes it off, etc – is about as effective as asking people to only spend what money they actually have; to save for a rainy day (okay, bad example). Nobody thinks they are part of the problem. 

And of course, people will ignore a hosepipe ban the way they ignore any rules if they think they won’t get caught and nobody will get hurt. If imposing bans was an effective course of action then we could have simply banned crime, sickness, thickness and Socialism and our Albion would indeed be a green and pleasant land, albeit with some dry, brown patches.

But here in the United Dingdom we take rules seriously and to that end I shall immediately desist from bathing, flush once a day, save up my pee for the garden, wear my underpants for two days (two days more than usual, that is), never wash the car or the windows (like I ever do either!), drink only cold drinks - all that wasted steam - and save up my bitter tears for desalination and re-absorption/seasoning later.

Oh yes, I’m doing my bit all right; come this summer's traditional riot season it certainly won’t be my fault if the police water cannon runs dry.