Bring it on

Once again, the tedious battle of Brexit drags on between the ardent, whining, earnest remainers who thrust all manner of fantasy facts into the debate, versus the lumpen, sluggish Leavers who only have emotion on their side. Of course this isn’t true. The ‘facts’ that Remainers wield are disputed, disparate and almost always pure conjecture. They frequently present straw-man fallacies (do they have sessions in smoke-filled rooms where they dream up their debating points?) and challenge Leavers to refute them.

By way of example I was recently asked: “Just for clarity are you really saying that you are content for the views of 17.4m as expressed in a flawed Advisory Ref to be imposed on the majority of the population (49m) without further consideration or consultation ?” This is as close to “So, to clarify, when did you stop beating your wife?” as makes no difference. It’s much like Jeremy Corbyn – who I am absolutely sure is horrified by anti-Semitism – having to repeatedly deny that his party has a problem with anti-Semitism. To respond at all is to play ‘stop hitting yourself’.

Parroting the arguments made by the remain flag bearers will have no effect on Leavers because such apparent precision is no part of the argument. It makes no difference to us that we might be 5% worse off, or have a 2.4% greater chance of suffering cataracts, or earthquakes because these things are unknowable. And it is precisely because we don’t know what the answer is that we can’t or won’t respond to their ridiculous ‘are you happy that *insert spookily precise disaster figure* will happen?’ demands.

But we do know what the answer isn’t. The answer isn’t to just ignore the evidence that our elected representatives don’t represent us. Our understanding of representative democracy is not that we elect somebody on a manifesto and then cheerfully accept their tearing up that very manifesto once in office because we have somehow now abrogated all involvement and must let our non-representatives represent only themselves.

And this de-coupling of power from the people is exacerbated when supposed sovereign nations then give over their decision making to even further removed Eurocrats. But they are elected, they are accountable, say the dullards of Remain; we do have democracy, see? But, of course, we don’t. The burghers of Brussels may be appointed or elected by people who have been appointed or elected but that is as far removed from a recognisable democracy as you having a say over who your parents are.

Yes, the complex issues of economics, immigration, defence, foreign policy, trade, etc, etc ARE beyond the intellectual grasp of the vast majority of voters. But these things are also beyond the ken of most politicians, who are even less likely to challenge those who really organise these affairs – civil services, special advisors, lobby groups, the media and global business interests who seek to control whole continents through manipulation of their government placemen. To break the spell, to cut through the glimmer you need the simplicity of thought of those who have nothing to gain from blind compliance and no reason to accept nebulous projections at face value.

Who's next for sanity?

So when we have it remainsplained that we are too simple to understand the complex issues, of course we agree with you. Because you are no better informed than we are; you are simply more invested in an opposite point of view which you think your force-fed facts somehow justify. Well, we want to free you from your serfdom; we want to help you see that you don’t need the arguments of others to justify your lives and we want to help you cope with the tiny adjustments you might need to make. Why did we vote for Brexit? We did it for you.

How stupid are you?

Imagine being stupid and actually knowing it. Going through life trying to live up to ideals you can’t possibly attain? Looking in the mirror every day and seeing a great, big dummy; how stupid is that? Of course, people who think themselves stupid have at least the sense to limit their exposure to opportunities to display it... which probably makes them not so stupid after all. Isn’t it all relative anyhow? Compared to, say, Einstein or Steven Hawking we’re all a bit intellectually deficient.

Then again there are those of enormous intellect who would easily pass as stupid were they to try and mingle among those dreadful denizens, ordinary people. Being able to imagine all the atoms in the universe while simultaneously memorising Pi to ten thousand decimal places might be a neat trick at a Royal Society soirée but it’s not going to earn you much kudos at the Dog and Duck during happy hour. There’s book smarts and there’s street smarts, as they say.

But if you want next-best-thing-to-a-vegetable stupid, so stupid you don’t even know you’re stupid, all you have to do is find a Brexiteer. Why, even the daft appellation they’ve claimed for themselves sounds like a dyslexic child’s version of Alexander Dumas’ swashbuckling heroes. A Brexiteer could change his name to Adolf Hitler, have a swastika tattooed on his forehead, collect Nazi memorabilia, join a Hitler Appreciation Society, paint yellow stars on the front doors of Jewish businesses and homes and still not understand why his neighbours call him a Nazi. Actually, strike that, his neighbours are likely to be equally as stupid.

You see they, that white underclass of Nazi sympathisers, don’t integrate with the rest of society. Born in Britain – England, most likely – they nevertheless refuse to become full members of the enlightened multicultural melting pot which marks the British out as the most European of all European peoples. And despite the atrocities committed in their name, you never see a member of the Brexit community standing up for British values, do you? Oh, they SAY they are moderate Brexiteers, but we all know here is no such thing.

If there is such a thing as moderate Brexiteers, why don’t we see them demonstrating against the violence, the ignorance, the small-minded bigotry and all those afore-mentioned atrocities? But we should maintain our tolerance because these people are too inbred and stupid to know better. They are stupid enough to believe everything they are told; as Graham Norton says, we should feel sorry for them, because they were taken in by lies. And as her holiness, Saint Diane knows, they are all just racists anyway.

That is how the media want to portray Brexiteers. Every single, stubborn, intransigent one of them is too stupid to understand what they have done and they must be protected from their own dangerous lack of moral responsibility. In all stories relating to Neanderthal, petrol-hoarding, dangerous dog-owning siege-mounters the phrase ‘post-Brexit’ must be inserted so that we can see the damage they have done. Every attempt must be made to portray them as ‘the other’ and deny them a voice.

Is this what you want?

Meanwhile, the rest of Britain, the doctors and lawyers and scientist and politicians and ‘community’ leaders and emergency services employees and charities and university students and the brave, brave children who are the future, must stand up for Europe and demand that the process voted for by the hateful majority be voted down. Don’t listen to the propaganda spun out by the Leavers. You are far too intelligent to be taken in by nonsense like that. There are no grey areas. Remember: Europe good, Brexit bad... or are you too stupid to realise?

Goodness Gracious, Great Walls of Ire!

Nobody knows what tomorrow will bring. This is as true for the length of time it will take you to drive in to work as it is for how you will fare in the National Lottery. If people knew which horse would win the race, or which shares would double in value next week then acting on that knowledge would almost certainly change the outcome; the odds on a certainty are no odds worth betting on. So it is disappointing but not unexpected that bitter remainers are still asking in that irritating, high-pitched whine “Well,what does Brexit look like?”

Maybe it is all deflection because, having said that Brexiteers would be cutting off their collective nose to spite their face and having threatened the direst of consequences, many economic forecasters – for which, read mountebank – have altered their outlooks in a more positive direction. Damn and blast, say the pro-EU brigade, we hoped that voting to leave would bring the country down and it hasn’t; we must now do our utmost to cause the collapse of the British economy or else we’ll look like idiots. I know, we’ll insist on knowing “What does Brexit look like? Eh? EH?”

I do love the way they scrunch up their little faces and stamp their feet and demand to know the unknowable future that, of course, nobody knows. Not the doomsayers, not the gleeful Union Flag-wavers, not the bookies and certainly not one single economist of any persuasion. But hey, if you want to feel good about your pain, my weepy little EU-philes, have a look at the Great Wall of Calais; that’s what it looks like. Happy now? Does that satisfy your absolute certainty that we are all racist, xenophobic, insular, inward-looking, nasty, Nazi, Little Englanders? Good.  

Now the bad news? Something like this would have to have been erected, regardless. It has nothing to do with Brexit no matter how much you want it to. The only other option – the one that I guarantee a majority of British people would consent to in a heartbeat – is military action, up to and including fatal shooting. Why? Because Calais is a tiny fraction of what Merkel’smuslim invasion has in store. No wall will be big enough to contain the astoundingly ill-considered plan for the EU. Trust me, you will be glad of the English Channel when the time comes.

Calm down. While there is still a Europe to trade with we will trade. As for the incessant background drone about ‘trade deals’, such devices are merely ways for governments to interfere with  commerce, which rarely improves matters. And when it comes to the dire predictions of idiots like this as to how long these imaginarily necessary deals will take it is irrelevant; trade will take place whether or not governments have haggled over their cut. All of which argument ignores the unassailable truth that the vote to leave was emotive, not pragmatic and no amount of economic horror fantasy will change that. Leave it; move on.

Illegal immigration - no dice!

And back to this 'terrible wall', as if building walls to keep people out was anything new. The ‘great wall’ is just another obstacle for migrants to climb as they roll the dice and make their way up the chequer board of civilisation. Britain is the winning square; the top of the game. Except what may now await them at Calais is the head of an enormous snake that slides them all the way back to Africa. It’s about time we started to win again.

Little Britain

We never quite understood why the British had to hold that referendum, way back in 2016. It was like a kick in the teeth after the EU had done so much and bent over so far backwards to accommodate the pretensions of the British government. Pretensions that Britain was somehow different from the rest of us; better, even. Pretensions that Britain deserved a loftier place in the group, that it should have a special status in the union. The referendum was a tense time but when they voted the right way things settled back down and we could get on with the business of bringing forward the plans that had been held in abeyance even as we held our breath.

As a united Europe we are uniquely privileged and enjoy advantages that many countries do not. We have full employment once again; everybody who is able has a job. Of course since the rationing of fossil fuels for non-party officials was put in place there are many more physical jobs. Human and animal muscle power is once again a major resource so labour commands a decent price and we are all now paid an equal, living wage which is more than enough for our needs. We know this is so because Brussels economists have calculated it and we are told it daily by the public broadcasts when they also inform us of our productivity rates. It would be nice to be able to have our own televisions like they used to, but it is vital that we save precious resources and preserve the planet and besides, attending the broadcasts gives us a greater sense of community.

That camaraderie also gets us through our working days in the fields. We mostly eat vegetables now, as growing crops absorbs carbon dioxide and is much less damaging than rearing livestock. Of course, the Eurocrats have to host other nation states from outside Europe all the time, so they need to serve meat at the regular state banquets. This is an example of how the party officials make a greater sacrifice for the good of the union – we are all taught at school that eating meat causes cancer, so this shows how brave our leaders are. We are kept safer and healthier by eating soya instead.

Work for all!

Food is a much bigger focus now than it was before. Because we spend so much time growing it and spend so much of our household incomes buying it. So it is also to our benefit that the commission decided to introduce the Communities Act some thirty years ago. To accommodate the needs of our new citizens – Africa, like Turkey, although not a full, fee-paying member of the EU has full freedom of movement – we were all rehoused in brand new, super apartments with enough bedrooms for our welcome guests. We now have huge families as a result of obeying the directive to ‘match a migrant’; for every original family member we now have a vibrant and diverse addition. And rape isn’t the problem that some warned about; it has simply been decriminalised on cultural accommodation grounds.

So, after all the divisions and emotive language and all the old enmities that the British referendum brought up it was a relief to us all that they voted to discontinue their membership and leave us in peace in Europe. Nobody over here much bothers with them any more and not much news ever reaches us from Little Britain. For all we know they are still eating meat, like savages, and driving all over their poxy little island in cars, destroying the planet. And living in pathetic little individual houses... and not paying for the privilege.

Such people!

So the TUC has done its own ‘independent research’ and concludes we will all be £38 per week worse off after a Brexit? Thirty-eight? Why not £40, or hey, go for hyper-faux-accuracy and call it £38.23? Will we also forfeit the ability to travel without a visa which will cost £15.36 per week for every country in the EU we visit? Or perhaps our life expectancy will decline by one year, three months and eleven days? Or will we experience a 1.3264% increase in the risk of dying from cancer? For heaven’s sake, we can’t even say with any certainty what our national debt is right now, let alone how anybody's pay packet will be affected in a year’s time; who would believe such naked chicanery as Remain’s barrage of precise forecasts of things that are simply unquantifiable?

This was the news that the BBC told me over and over again on my drive to work yesterday. On the drive home there was a section in The Media Show about the success of Geordie Shore. Not being an aficionado of truly appalling excuses for mindlessly staring at the idiot box I was unaware that this piece of televisual ordure, which would seem to be so regionally-specific in interest, is huge. The producer in the interview claimed that with its target demographic (ages 16-34) it is more popular than Game of Thrones. Just to be clear, these people would rather watch a shambolic, fly-on-the-wall ‘reality’ show about self-centred people they can barely understand, than a hugely expensive, lavishly filmed and expensively cast dramatic sensation.

In beginning there was the herd... and then we created society. While people were still foraging in the dirt and running about naked we discovered we could better survive by joining forces. For millennia the family unit and its extended tribes were the source of all our sensations, both basic and extra-curricular. At some point we found time to get bored and eventually we evolved and created entertainment. We then spent hundreds of years getting good at it. Very good. The need to be amused spawned entire industries and advances in technology; theatre, cinematography, special effects... the Oscars and all that getting there entails.

But the process of natural selection often throws up dead ends. While the successful branch of the evolutionary tree strengthens as survival-equiped mutations procreate with each other, the stunted limbs wither and die as their ill-equipped offspring fail to spread their genes wider than their own weak circle of interbreeding. Eventually, speciation ensures the lesser specimens can no longer breed with the successful dynasties; they either evolve into another form or die out. Maybe we are witnessing the dawn of a new sub-species of homo sapiens right now. With their spines permanently curved from hours spent in comfy sofas, welcome to homo reclinus.

These knuckle-dragging, scripted reality zombies resemble nothing so much as the Gammas, Deltas and Epsilons of Huxley’s fictional world of enforced consumerism. Add Soma, in the form of freely available booze, fags and recreational narcotics and you’re pretty much where he thought we’d end up. Could such dull denizens even be bothered to take an interested part in the democratic process? Why should they; they get all they want with little imagination or effort? Brexit may lose out to the sheer apathy of these humanoid sheep drifting from the mindless orgies of 18-30s holidays, to unplanned pregnancy, followed by a life of dreary all-inclusive package deals as wrist-banded temporary inmates of foreign penal colonies posing as holiday resorts.

The missing link...

If science and exploration survive the massive brain-shrinking effect of hyper socialism embodied in the aims of the European Union, will future archaeologists discover under-developed human crania of some missing link and name it Australopithecus gulliblisticus and ponder what cataclysmic event led to its demise? If you are wondering who would believe the TUC’s portents of doom, I think I’ve found them.