Top Marx!

Well I, for one, am happy about Ed’s conference speech. He very clearly laid out what all non-Labour voters have always suspected; the utter contempt in which the private sector is held and the total lack of understanding of how society, any society, functions. Unless you believe in anarchy – and that bizarre notion seems to be a perversely unique preserve of people with otherwise left wing views – nobody objects to contributing a portion of their earnings towards the public purse.

Nobody on what they insist on referring to as ‘the far right’ - which is shorthand for anybody not employed by the state, anybody getting by without claiming benefits – wants to destroy the NHS, but people who often pay for their own healthcare anyway and take care to lead generally responsible, healthier lifestyles – are increasingly fed up with their contributions pouring into the bottomless money pit the current NHS represents. The third or fourth largest employer on the PLANET? Are you insane? You would have to be if you think a relatively small population in a formerly heathy, fully developed nation needs a medical system costly enough to care for all of Asia’s teeming billions. 

All that successful people ask is that their tax money, from which they get little direct benefit, is spent wisely and that they are left to spend the rest how they wish. They’ve earned it, after all, by adding value to goods and services and creating true profits in a way the state never has and never can. The state is entirely paid for by private money. And that includes the wages paid to public employees and the tax they then levy on that. If you work for the state you pay tax on the money that has already been collected in tax. You are bought and paid for by the private sector; and some of you are paid to count what you are paid, hand it out, take some of it back and recycle those amounts to create the illusion of government money. Ever heard of a non-job? 

What you do may be important, you doctors and nurses and bin men and bus drivers, but never forget that all of you are paid by those some of you would drive away by your sheer avarice. Yes, that. Oh, it’s not you personally, you all believe you are doing god’s work, but that’s only because, like the party that feeds you by picking somebody else’s pockets, it serves you to believe that those who are not on the national payroll are its enemies and not its benefactors. So what if the wealth they pay tax on is inherited? So what if they happily fall into the family business; it’s none of your business, that’s for sure. The NHS, the government, welfare, defence, education, law enforcement, roads and railways are ultimately paid for not by you and your taxes but by the hated 'them' and their taxes. 

It's because they care...

When the money finally does run out and the crumbling façade of the Labour experiment is peeled away there will behind it be an ancient barn door on which the altered legend will still be visible: "From each according to his vulnerability, to each according to his ngreeds!

Notes from the Stage

Ah, conference season; the time of year when the party faithful gather to sing comradely songs about the good old decades of our heyday. To savour the memory of the shortening days (and three day weeks) when the dwindling turnip harvests used to signal the start of a bright new winter of wildcat strikes, shortages and power cuts, all of which could be conveniently blamed on the Tory Party’s profligacy, when last in-office, in cutting taxes and raising employment and generally removing their heavy hands from the rudder of the ship of state… the vicious, privileged, wealth-creating bastards.

Do they not understand that stout working people don’t want to own their own homes? Or that nobody who lives in a council house wants to be burdened with making decisions about lofty national issues such as nutrition, education, aspiration or life chances? Do the Conservatives not realise that every child is a ward of state and independence is a condition they do not have the capacity to even crave, let alone exercise? When will the Tories grow up and grasp the fact that private money is theft and personal choice is a false god? We will keep the red flag dying here, if it kills us!

The Labour Party needs new blood, which is why we will both curb then fight to keep and eventually increase Child Benefit until it is sufficient incentive, of itself, to increase the speed of the breeding programme. Only by unrestrained fertility can we hope to outcompete the human tidal wave of immigration unleashed by the nasty Tory party. If we hadn't spent all the money last time round just think how many more people would want to come to Britain? If even in austerity they teem, imagine how they would flock to our shores in prosperity? So, to keep Britain for the British we will oppose every Tory cutback while promising to be even tougher on spending. We think that sends a clear message, that when it comes to opportunity, Labour is everything you would expect it to be.

People – stupid, ignorant people – have asked how we will fund our promised minimum wage increase. Well, stupid ignorant, bigoted people, we will do it by the time-honoured method pioneered in our glory years; inflation. When inflation was running at 15% people were getting pay rises every week. So popular was it that other people went on strike to show solidarity. If that is not a sign of a successful economy then we don’t know what is! It is all down to turnover; increase turnover, increase output, become great again. Roar for moar!

To save the NHS we will greatly increase throughput, to which end we will shortly announce our plan for a national food programme based mostly on the health-giving properties of a potato-only diet. Soon the NHS will be overflowing and you will have us to thank for making it that way. No, save your applause, for there is more. We will apply the same indisputable logic to the housing crisis – only by tearing down whole streets of private-rented slumlord property and publicly humiliating the evil scum who own them will we create the right climate to encourage new investment in house building. As nobody will be able to afford to buy property any more, the market will be forced to build to rent and as we will cap those rents everybody will win under Labour.

Balls!

They used to say you can’t trust Labour on the economy. They used to say that Labour had a poverty of aspiration. They used to say that Labour never learns. Well, they don’t say that any more… they know we’re just not listening. Give us a decade to fix the country. We promise you, after that you won't recognise Britain any more.