Good old Benny

It’s a busy old day for news: Huhne and ex-Huhne wake up in chokey, the tattered remnants of the Catholic church begin the quest for a new high priest of whatever it is they stand for and – who knew – yet more evidence is revealed about Jimmy Savile’s ‘colourful’ past. Liam Fox is acting the spanner in Shiny Dave’s machine and the Limp Dems are pushing ahead with a ‘back of a fag packet’ mansion tax plan against all reasonable advice. Oh and a tiny part of the southeast appears to be having its own mini ice age. Passing curiosities against the backdrop of good news from the south. 

In a brilliant demonstration of actual democracy the Falklands referendum attracted a 92% turnout of which only three individuals voted against remaining a part of a heritage treasured in those cold South Atlantic seas far more than here in the UK itself where, if we ever were to get a referendum on the EU, the result would simply be manipulated or ignored if it went ‘the wrong way’. 

Meanwhile, to get a head start, the EU Propaganda Machine targets children in the hope that come 2017, if there IS a vote, the infants will have their brainwashed say. Way to go, Uncle Joe (Goebbels). Of course, the most successful way to stifle debate is the recent rise in accusations of racism at the merest hint of a likelihood that you may be about to use the name of another culture. Even to mention ‘Bulgaria’ makes you a racist; against Wombles, presumably. 

So, by that measure the Falkland Islanders are brutal colonial racists. No wonder they all voted in that nasty nationalist manner. We must send an invading force of sociologists to re-educate them. They will surely pay for their rash choice when our democratically elected leaders sell them to Argentina for the price of a kind word. 

Back in 1982 British troops were chastised for their use of the word “Benny” – after the simpleton Benny from the now defunct soap opera Crossroads - to describe the islanders. Soldiers are one of the last bastions of political incorrectness, but shared adversity and a bit of time has relegated what was once an insult to merely a gentle term of almost affection. 

Well I want to reclaim Benny for entirely pejorative use; I want one of my own. As a sort of pet... or better, a slave. I don’t mean I want a Falkland Islander - no, those worthies are no trouble at all. In my lexicon the new Bennies are those who live entirely on state benefits when there is no reason whatsoever why they couldn’t work. The NEETS and the feckless, amoral scum who breed like rats and take benefits away from those who genuinely need them and are in no way a part of the solution. Well I reckon my taxes pay for a whole one... so I want him/her/it to be a slave to me, rather than the other way round.

This is a brilliant idea now I think of it. If you pay tax you should be given a breakdown of what you pay for and have the opportunity to benefit from it. If you pay enough for a nurse, for instance, that nurse should be at your beck and call 24/7. If you pay for a day's worth of gritting, they should come round and clear your drive when you need it. I see no reason why this shouldn’t be extended all the way to the top. 

Now everybody gets to be a Miss Dianne

The Chris Huhne’s of this world should be accountable to the taxpayer. So, if you pay enough tax to fund an MP’s salary he should be yours to command! Oh, sorry, I just realised we’ve been doing that for donkey’s years.

Atonement

I'm sorry. I have no idea what LibDem Lord Rennard actually did – neither do you, for that matter (and definitely not Nick Clegg) but whatever it is, given that it is said to have been ‘sexual’ and ‘inappropriate’ and as a bloke I am simply not allowed an opinion on anything like that, I’d just like to apologise on behalf of my gender and leave it there. That ought to do it. Nothing more to see here; I’m sure it will all be sorted out in the fullness of time and all that.

While I'm at it, I may as well apologise for Chris Huhne too... and Jimmy Savile, Cyril Smith, Gary Glitter and that dodgy geezer with the yellow teeth from On the Buses. I also feel the need to atone for Peter Mandelson, although not of our species he is nonetheless a slimy, scheming fucker and is thoroughly deserving of a good excusing-of. And of course, there was David Mellor. So-rry. 

In penitent mood I wonder if I shouldn't also offer reparations for other wrongs... The Ice Age, for instance, or the Global Warming that didn't really happen – or did it? Not sure really, so best be on the safe side and just say pardon me anyway, eh? While I'm about it I may as well wring my cap and bow my head in blame for the miners’ strike, the banking crisis, The Spanish Inquisition and Jedward. Oh and slavery**, mustn't forget, I may as well apologise for that... every fucker else has. Bang to rights, gov... Soz! *sad face*

Now I think about it I really ought to get down on my knees in the dirt and humbly crave your indulgence as I make penance for everything any man has ever done. So, Adam, remember him? I am sorry he was so stupid as to let himself be led on by that harpy, Eve, although I acknowledge that her entreaties, which some (not me) may say were contributory to The Fall, were in no way to blame for Adam’s weakness and folly. So there; all of biblical history - our fault. Men!

I've just had a thought... To be on the safe side I’d better trace our evolution all the way back and apologise for Conservatism too. I now suddenly realise that it is genuinely all the fault of right-of-centre politics. On behalf of our common anthropoid ancestor may I abjectly, humbly and sincerely beg your forgiveness?

How do I know the earliest human was a Tory? Well he had to be; there can be no other explanation. Because, if he’d been Labour how would the species have ever survived beyond one generation? I mean, back then, at the misty dawn of time, whose pocket were they going to pick?

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(** I realise I have apologised for slavery before, on more than one occasion. But it’s best to be on the safe side – this time, let’s say it’s for Islamic or Roma slavery, so we’re covering all the bases?)