The Robots Are Coming!

 In 1963, Harold Wilson spoke, with as much passion as the dour Yorkshireman could muster, of harnessing the white heat of technology. He wanted Britain to become a leader once again, an industrial giant, a powerhouse, if you will. Yesterday the charisma-free, black hole of charm, Keir Starmer, brought his Wilson tribute act to the screen and told us all, to our utter disbelief that he is determined to harness the power of AI.

Harness AI? I doubt he can even spell it. It wouldn’t surprise me if he thinks it is a southern version of the Geordie, “Way aye!” Or maybe he believes it is something to with levelling up and that the north in general could benefit from a good helping of “Ey up!” Whatever, I wonder what he thinks AI really is and if he has any grasp of what he is saying. Although, I have to admit I am looking forward to having my bins emptied by AI and my drains unblocked by Robo-Rod.

As with all things political, I have absolutely no faith that any of this has been thought through. A vague statement of getting with the programme or being left behind really doesn’t cut it. Perhaps he would be advised to consult some true industry experts who can put him straight. I’m thinking of Ed Miliband… on the downside, however, that is a more likely trajectory towards net-zero intelligence.

These who cheerlead for AI are a mixed bunch: The eggheads who foresee a life of indolence and luxury as the robots do the heavy lifting. The Luddite tendency which sees forever the coming of the age of robots, as Asimov imagined, which will one day supplant humanity. The manipulators who are already using AI to spread disinformation. And, of course, the rest of us, the little people who will have no say.

Of course, the obvious immediate reaction is to question whether Starmer is a real boy at all, and not an early prototype human-acting droid. A moment’s thought, however, would dismiss that idea; Two-tier, free-gear, no-idea Keir would fail the Turin test in three sentences. Nobody would believe he was human. Every time he speaks, the part of the population over 50 sees the shrivelled being inside the boss Dalek. No wonder Starmer himself has said he prefers Davros[sic] to Westminster.

At least they have fixed the “free the sausages” bug with the latest update, but therein lies another issue. First world problem it may be, but my how we rage against yet another Microsoft update. The computer virus which is politics today is forever resetting itself, shutting down all your tabs, rearranging your interface to make it unusable (I’m looking at you, Facebook) and claiming it as an upgrade.

I asked Grok to make me a robot Keir, 

but this just looks like normal Keir to me.

Well, this time maybe we do want the upgrade. We could download government which is pragmatic and bases decisions on what will work, not on what its ideological outcomes may be. A government unbiased by its cultural preferences and one which will automate the mundane aspects of governance. Given that 650 shouting faces do not seem capable of organising a piss-up in a distillery, maybe Starmer is right. Maybe it really is time we gave the robots a go.

Way-aye, Robot!

Stephen Hawking. He’s not so clever… he just Googles everything on that laptop. Just lately he’s been delving into science fiction, suggesting that if we ever create true artificial intelligence it will learn how to advance itself way faster than humans can possibly evolve and then take over the world. Hasn’t he been paying attention? The way things are going, human dumbing-down is already well on the way to making the average toaster more intelligent than the average school-leaver.  The end of the human race, Stephen? It might be a mercy.

We already live in a world where ever more stupid individuals have access to technology so far advanced as to resemble magic and certainly beyond their ability to explain it. I can’t be alone in wondering whether this is entirely healthy. Some people should only be allowed a stick with which to poke cow pats and even access to that ought to be strictly rationed – there is only so much fun a single person can absorb in one day. (For the benefit of townies I should explain that cow pats are not the cheery tactile gestures of bovine companions you may have imagined.)

Almost ten years ago Charlie Brooker and Chris Morris had the Nathan Barley character Dan Ashcroft repeat “The idiots are winning” in a ridiculously heightened world where every utterance of the nouveau cool, the famous-for-no-reason, could be turned into dirty gold by selling stupidity to morons like ice to the Eskimos. I watched that show with mirth tempered by a certain foreboding; now I watch the real world and try to see even the tiniest scrap of difference.

Serious shit is going the same way; science is dispensed in easily swallowed but ultimately indigestible chunks by ever more vacuous, eye-friendly presenters. Pain-free aspiration is packaged up and sold to the eager with never a mention of the true price, or sacrifice, of success. And then there is politics. Visible politics is a stage show whereby unappetising villains are paraded to the tune of public derision in a sham of representative democracy; pantomime members booed from the ballot box into oblivion or ignominy while invisible strings act on behalf of the puppet masters.

The idiots have won!

And even as we watch we happily shovel in yet another mouthful of horse shit to complement the bully-bully bullshit we already swallowed. So a bit of me hopes Stephen Hawking is right and we get these new robot masters of the universe. Just before the human race becomes extinct we may experience, finally, a brief glimpse of that carefree world of leisure and plenty that technology has been promising for at least the last couple of hundred years. In the meantime, budge over and pass me that stick; I have shit to stir.