Little Britain

We never quite understood why the British had to hold that referendum, way back in 2016. It was like a kick in the teeth after the EU had done so much and bent over so far backwards to accommodate the pretensions of the British government. Pretensions that Britain was somehow different from the rest of us; better, even. Pretensions that Britain deserved a loftier place in the group, that it should have a special status in the union. The referendum was a tense time but when they voted the right way things settled back down and we could get on with the business of bringing forward the plans that had been held in abeyance even as we held our breath.

As a united Europe we are uniquely privileged and enjoy advantages that many countries do not. We have full employment once again; everybody who is able has a job. Of course since the rationing of fossil fuels for non-party officials was put in place there are many more physical jobs. Human and animal muscle power is once again a major resource so labour commands a decent price and we are all now paid an equal, living wage which is more than enough for our needs. We know this is so because Brussels economists have calculated it and we are told it daily by the public broadcasts when they also inform us of our productivity rates. It would be nice to be able to have our own televisions like they used to, but it is vital that we save precious resources and preserve the planet and besides, attending the broadcasts gives us a greater sense of community.

That camaraderie also gets us through our working days in the fields. We mostly eat vegetables now, as growing crops absorbs carbon dioxide and is much less damaging than rearing livestock. Of course, the Eurocrats have to host other nation states from outside Europe all the time, so they need to serve meat at the regular state banquets. This is an example of how the party officials make a greater sacrifice for the good of the union – we are all taught at school that eating meat causes cancer, so this shows how brave our leaders are. We are kept safer and healthier by eating soya instead.

Work for all!

Food is a much bigger focus now than it was before. Because we spend so much time growing it and spend so much of our household incomes buying it. So it is also to our benefit that the commission decided to introduce the Communities Act some thirty years ago. To accommodate the needs of our new citizens – Africa, like Turkey, although not a full, fee-paying member of the EU has full freedom of movement – we were all rehoused in brand new, super apartments with enough bedrooms for our welcome guests. We now have huge families as a result of obeying the directive to ‘match a migrant’; for every original family member we now have a vibrant and diverse addition. And rape isn’t the problem that some warned about; it has simply been decriminalised on cultural accommodation grounds.

So, after all the divisions and emotive language and all the old enmities that the British referendum brought up it was a relief to us all that they voted to discontinue their membership and leave us in peace in Europe. Nobody over here much bothers with them any more and not much news ever reaches us from Little Britain. For all we know they are still eating meat, like savages, and driving all over their poxy little island in cars, destroying the planet. And living in pathetic little individual houses... and not paying for the privilege.