Tits out!

So they finally did it… or did they? Is the absence of Luscious Lynda from Leicester (who is concerned about the World Economic Forum in Davos) due to the concerted efforts of a million screeching feminist banshees, or did The Sun just decide to drop the 45 year old feature. (Lynda, is of course Naughty Nineteen - they always are - but her more vital statistics are just as impressive as the world’s leading economists at 38-24-26) The next Samantha Fox will now have one fewer avenue to success and the feminists can chalk up yet another verboten entry in the litany of do-as-we-say-not-as-you-wish.

It seems that now Page Three is no more the way is clear for other equally urgent campaigns in the quest to make the world a fairer, more equal and less threatening place. I’m sure you will have unnecessarily precious dislikes of your own but to ironically get the creative juices flowing how about we start by getting rid of art?

Honestly, art is such a divisive thing. You may not know much about art but I bet you know what you like, right? Well, what if I don’t like it? Did you think of that? Maybe you think the scrawl you keep on your fridge door is the priceless pièce de résistance of your oh-so-precocious proto-Picasso but do you realise the stress you put others under when you demand an opinion of its exquisite execution? Well, do you? You force everybody around you to lie and everybody knows lying is the prime cause of cancer-causing stress. How DARE you allow your offspring to inflict cancer on innocent bystanders? You monster!

And what about the outrageous passive-aggressive business of birthday cards? Yes, they may seem innocent enough but if you have never considered the trauma of deducing who likes you the best based on quality, size and the scan of the verse inside then that tells us all we need to know about your lack of respect for and contemptuous opinion of the human race. How DARE you lazily imply that just because you bothered to buy a hastily chosen, last-minute, poorly illustrated card that you care one iota for the recipient? You monster!

Ban all communication on the basis that somebody, somewhere, if you look hard enough is bound to find even the most qualified and cautious uttering offensive. All words have the potential to be upsetting, startling or just plain disheartening. Abolish anything that could possibly be construed as argumentative, confrontational or even just poorly phrased. Even psychotherapy can’t help here because if you look closely ‘psychotherapist’ is really ‘psycho-the-rapist’ in the flimsiest of disguises. “If you can’t say something nice say nothing at all” could become law if only we could get two hundred thousand silent signatures on a carefully worded, non-offensive non-partisan petition… but how would we spread the word?

Sam Fox - Page Three turned her lezzer, you know!

And finally it is time, at last, to abolish boy-children. Let’s face it boys are the source of all women’s ills. For a start they are smelly and raucous and stupid and under-achieve enormously compared to lovely girls – the feminisation of the education system has worked a treat. They also buy bad birthday cards and worse still they grow into horrible, cruel men and then the raping starts and the football chants and the beers… and the beer bellies. Men are such slobs and rarely take any pride in their appearance; why can’t men have the same level of self-respect as, say, those lovely page three girls? Whatever happened to them, I wonder?