Fining our way out

In a world where we sit back and do nothing against a Neolithic death cult intent on beheading every last infidel and allow them to drive their own needy millions to our shores, testing our ability to remain blind to our own overwhelming and imminent destruction. In a world where people like Sepp Blatter can resign over allegations of systematic corruption but then continue in post for another six months with impunity. In a world where we spend £billions to alleviate a non-specific global climate issue we don’t understand, further enriching lots of rich people in the process at the expense of the poor, it’s good to know that we can focus more clearly on problems closer to home.

It appears that Hackney Council is taking a tough stand on anti-social behaviour linked to begging and sleeping rough by introducing a new Public Space Protection Order. The order empowers the police or ‘council officials’ to miraculously prevent the aforementioned begging, boozing, loitering (with or without intent, I presume) swearing, shouting, abusing public toilets, sleeping in doorways, taking drugs and causing what is cutely referred to as ASB. Wait a minute, don’t we already have ASB Orders? A breach of a PSPO attracts a £100 fixed penalty notice and failure to pay can land you in court where you can be fined up to £1,000.

Yeah, nasty Tories! But wait once more; Hackney is as Labour as Labour can be and all of a sudden I’m getting a flashback to Tony Blair’s brilliant idea of frog-marching drunks to cashpoint machines to pay fixed penalty notices. But even as I feel the guffaws developing deep in my gut I can also see with some clarity the sheer socialist genius of the idea. Jailing the homeless would be pointless; that is playing right into their hand and giving them exactly what they want – a roof over their head. So with a bit of lateral thinking let’s punish them by levying a fine they can never pay; let’s taunt them with their own inadequacy. That oughta do it.

What next in the lefty armoury of fuckwittery and failurenomics? How about we fine everybody who is not a millionaire – wait for it – a million pounds! Then we can give that million pounds to an actual millionaire in return for, say, leasing out his land for a solar farm, then – and here’s the genius part – levying a 50% tax on his earnings so that after a few short years we can get that million back into the nation’s coffers. The more poor people we fine the richer will become the millionaires, the more tax they will pay and 'Hey Presto!' back in the black we jolly well go.

The Nation's Salvation

When the world’s problems can be solved so easily by the simple trick of abandoning all logic and ignoring all practicalities it is somewhat of a surprise that Labour did not win the election and are not now ruining running the economy. But now they have a whole five years to employ their combined IQ of seven in the effort to come up with some whacky, crowd-pleasing offerings to tempt the voters next time round. I’m putting money on them rebuilding the welfare state from the proceeds of a massive, national, fucking, swear box!