Wednesday, 11 January 2017

U-Turn if you want to...

After a day in which the vicious, right wing media in the form of the BBC’s John Humphrys, a known racist and enemy of the people, set a trap for the glorious leader, in which he was forced to confront and then denounce, sort of, vaguely, the policies on which he was to speak later in the day, Comrade Corbyn has been understandably reticent about setting the story straight. However, the Labour Party is made of sterner stuff and after a pep talk and back rub from Diane, Jeremy was persuaded to issue clarification about Labour’s latest u-turn policy launch:

We are absolutely agreed, he informed us in an exclusive interview, that Brexit will mean Brexit, which is to say that whatever Brexit turns out to be; hard or soft, boiled or fried... or even over-easy, it will be what it will be. The future, Jeremy continued, is not ours to see, to which he added enigmatically, ‘Que será, será’. You see, Labour is not wedded to hard policy; we are more sort of engaged in that, hope-she’s-forgotten-all-about-it, sort of way. Or indeed he, because we very much support marriage for all. So, you see, we’re not wedded-to, er, marriage, but we don’t want to be misinterpreted, nor do we rule it out, which I think is pretty clear.

All of which means that of course we remain committed to the single market, but not if it means only having a single market – we want access to all of the markets - and not if it means uncontrolled immigration. I mean immigration is always good, every last bit of it, but not always, yes? No, we need to control who enters our country, especially if they wish us harm by bringing over ways of doing business which do not gel with the British psyche. Entrepreneurialism, for a start: dreadful French word for a form of endeavour entirely incompatible with the values of the working man who Labour has always supported, especially when he is not working. We need to protect our workers from exploitation by those who would come here and start up companies.

To that end Labour will introduce a maximum wage. In fact we’ve already effectively done that by forcing the Tories to guarantee a state-endorsed pay packet. They call it the living wage but in reality it isn’t as good as that, which is one of Labour’s proudest triumphs. Well, we will continue with that policy because it makes sense; nobody wants to see a street cleaner earning more than a coffee shop worker or a taxi driver. Or a surgeon. When we get into power the New Labour National Wage will be a defining moment and if you don’t like it, you can always leave. Or bank offshore.

It is precisely the creation of wealth that makes people rich, which is abhorrent if you are living on the breadline, so we will gradually introduce and then increase punitive levies on wealth creation, including a new progressive tax regime which will start at 90% of gross income from any source other than public office. In this way we will stifle growth, choke off profits and utterly discourage anybody from getting ideas above their station. Now I know you are all thinking wait, that’s Tory thinking, but that’s where you’re wrong, you see. Labour have always been the party of the underclass and we intend to ensure the underclass are always with us.

Witt all this in place immigration will no longer be an issue; quite the reverse, to which end we will be beefing up border security to ensure we retain the workers we have. You see, people have said that Jeremy Corbyn’s Labour has lost its way, that it is making up policy on the hoof, but the party’s strategy has been consistent throughout. If we were crystal clear about our actual policies, if we spelled out what they really mean, nobody would vote for us ever again, so this is why we have to obfuscate and hope that our voters are stupid loyal enough to ignore all that we stand for and vote for us anyway. It’s worked for over a hundred years, so there’s no reason it can’t work again.

Jeremy's metaphor for Britain under Labour...

What people really need in this country is firm leadership. They need a government with a clear and transparent... and see-through, but not completely see-through, in fact a rather cloudy vision for the future, which leaves behind the mistakes of the past but retains that connection with our proudest traditions of keeping the working man where he belongs, do you see? Jeremy then explained why he, the leader, was not for turning, unless a turn was the right thing to do. Follow me, he urged, I will be right behind you.

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