Birthday boy.

Fuck off... it's my birthday.

What do you want? Blood, already?

Move along now. There's nothing to see here...

Too Cool for Skool

I teach, sort of. I get paid to talk to people. I do it all day long, with a few, very short breaks for breath and sanity. When I'm not being paid I feel cheated if people try to strike up a conversation for free. I wonder if I can get a taxi-meter that I could wear? Worth a thought.

 I get home on a Friday night and think to myself - bliss, quiet... now if only the neighbours would shut the fuck up. And I turn on the telly, or listen to the news, or go online (where I can pretend to conviviality) and much of what I see is people attempting to engage one another by discussing what's 'cool'.

Somebody tweeted at around six o'clock on Sunday morning, asking if anybody had been up all night, thus proving themselves 'cool' (it was pretty chilly, I'll admit) or whether they, like the tweet-author ('twauther') had simply got up early on a weekend, which apparently made them sad and old. It made me think about the whole farcical business of being cool  - I hope it's something you grow out of, although I confess I never really grew into it.

Staying up all night isn't so much cool as stupid and drunk - but we've all done it. We've all been young and stupid and gullible. I never 'got' The Smiths, but some fans were so credulous as to believe sticking a gladioli up your arse was 'cool' for a while. Afghan coats, Bay City Roller trouser-ettes, smoking, believing that caffeine and added marketing will give you wings - they're all just daft ways of spending money to feed the pressure of peers.

I have felt the pull, but found the gravity of the in-crowd too weak to attract me for long. I'm happy in my own little orbit. Independence is truly cool but you humans don't seem to like that at all. You are attracted to the individual, the rebel, then spend your time slavishly copying said renegade until you all look exactly the same. Didn't that ever strike you as odd?

I reckon you try for cool because beautiful is unattainable - we're all essentially ugly. Have you ever properly looked at real people? The ones in the street, the ones in your street? Ugly, ugly, ugly. I don't find people in general attractive at all and our ideals are so far removed from truth as to be virtually unrepresented in real life. Men in particular are turned on by cartoonish exaggerated features. Even I go a bit gaga for Jessica Rabbit yet tits like that would be abhorrent formless, flobbery  bags of fluid in real life. I shudder at the very thought.

But wait, you say (I know you so well) MY beloved is beautiful. Of course he/she is; they're not wrong when they talk about chemistry. There are also numerous references to the intoxication of love; of love as a drug. So, putting two together (see what I did) I've solved the mystery of the game of love - it's the coolest drug on the planet, the drug at the heart of cool; the one you most want to be addicted to.

Love - helping a fundamentally ugly species 

procreate since the dawn of time.

The blog that writes itself

This is too good a story to miss: What do you see when you look at this cartoon?

Yup. Me too. I see an illustration of the famous "Hear no evil..." mantra. And so did the union members who used it to illustrate and lampoon the inefficacy of one of their gazillion pointless committees. (If anything typifies Socialism it is the pointless committee.)

But the committee was not amused. A committee was promptly convened to discuss how much more effectively they could waste resources and line the pockets of a few more grievance lawyers and came up with a charge of racism against the four.

But, wait a minute, you say. Surely the racism is committed by those who see a picture of a monkey and immediately associate it with the black committee member? I never thought I'd be in the position of defending a bunch of smelly, hippy, leftie-types but, by jingo, I think they are most certainly in the right. (Fortunately, for my conscience, I'm defending some lefties against some other lefties, so that's okay.)

But, for the record, some black people do indeed look a bit like some primates, just as some white people look a bit rodenty. Some fat people look porcine, hairy people can look a bit like a Sasqwatch and owners of pit bull terriers are virtually impossible to distinguish from their moronic lead-sharer. (I leave you to decide which is which - they all look the same to me.) For heaven's sake, to Reginald Iolanthe Perrin, his mother-in-law looked like a hippopotamus, yet you all just laughed at that, you, you vile hippopotamists!

For crying out bollocky-bastarding loud haven't you all got better things to be doing, Unison? I bet your members are over the frigging moon at having to fork out, once again for your knee-jerk, offence-taking stupidity. To discriminate on grounds of race is wrong. To remark that you can't see your black friend in the dark unless he smiles is what we used to call 'a joke'. But to pretend that - against the evidence - the Emperor is concealing his modesty is Orwellian doublethink.

Human Trash

I saw this story and knew immediately that most of you won't do more than scan the headline before you hit the howling indignation and outright condemnation button.

So. before you read on, read the whole article here: killing a newborn is little different to aborting it in the womb

It's really not what you think and she is not advocating wholesale infanticide, no matter how much you already hate Francesca Minerva and want it to be so. She really isn't.

But I am. And why stop there? The one certainty about life is that at some point it ends.

For some, their short life is a constant misery, while others spend their time reminding us that there is no such thing as innate human goodness. The muggers, murderers, rapists, paedophiles, torturers... I have no idea what drives them but one thing seems to be certain; some people are unable to curb their violent urges and - provided we actually catch them - consume wholly disproportionate sums of resources being kept alive in captivity so that other humans can feel they are somehow 'better'.

I'm not an apologist for these deviants - far from it - but whether you believe in 'evil' or not there's clearly something wrong with them. If we find it abhorrent and we can't cure it, why not 'abort' on conviction? We don't live in a world where we all have the luxury of making soft decisions and while your views are shaped by your personal needs/wants it is simply stupid for a whole society to try to accommodate every individual's desire to be thought of as warmer and cuddlier and better and lovelier than 'them'.

So. Abortion in-utero or post-natal - for the right reasons - same thing as far as I can see. There's a growing support for euthanasia on request - why not youth-anasia? And once that's accepted, why not make it a continuum? Some suggested staging posts:

• On diagnosis of ADHD
• When repeated caning hasn't done the trick
• By selection at eleven-plus exam
• On receipt of third ASBO
• After three complaints  from the neighbours about excessive noise
• On second conviction for deviant offence.
• Nicking anything belonging to me
• If I don't like you and, in the end...
• By request for those who have just had enough

A Britain where people behave themselves, go to work, contribute and get on with each other? We'd soon have that deficit down to zero. Oh, of course not - the bloody lefties would have nothing to complain about if the system actually worked.

Average Joe le Taxi

Have a look next time you go to a supermarket. There will be an unending procession of social retards loading up trolleys full of loot into waiting taxis. Go into any branch of Argos and it will be chock-full of Labour's beloved welfare chimps, gurning over the trashy jewellery and electronics. And hard by even the lowliest sink estate will be a succession of knock-off booze and cigarette outlets... and a tattoo parlour. Taxis? I'm hopping mad about that - what's wrong with the bus and a bit of leg work?

All of that costs money and none of it can even remotely be justified as subsistence. Who's paying for it? Come on, who? I'll tell you who - not them as benefits from it, that's for sure. What really pisses me off (and it pisses you off too, unless you're dole scum, in which case, congratulations on reading this far) is that people who work have to make hard choices. If you want to smoke 20 legal cigarettes a day, you have to find about £2500 a year. That's a bloody good family holiday, a car upgrade every couple of years, a new bathroom or lots of electronic toys you're going to sacrifice on the altar of your filthy habit. Which is, of course, why many fewer workers smoke than non-workers.

But taxis? Yes, I'm still furious about that.

According to this report, David Cameron believes that working people can now rest assured that they will be better off in future than those who spend their life on benefits. “We’ve stood up against the abuse that left taxpayers footing the bills for people on £30,000 or even £50,000 a year in benefits,” he said. “It’s a fair principle - a family out of work on benefits shouldn’t be paid more than the average family in work.”

But that's still way wide of the mark. The majority of working families earn far less than the average, so the chances are the abuses will continue, because nobody has the guts to do what's morally right. And you know why? This is why: People are too stupid for democracy to work.

Halle-bloody-lujah! I've been banging this drum all my life. When the hard decisions need to be made, our mediocre leaders dare not make them and pander instead to the wishes of a dumb and dumber electorate too dim to realise how lucky they are.

I take it back about the taxis - they're too thick to be allowed to roam free.