Not the Nine O'Clock News

Shane Allen, Controller of Comedy Commissioning at the BBC says Monty Python has had its day. Well, yes, it was 50 years ago, so... Naturally, as is only right when you denigrate, however slightly, a national treasure, the knives were out and Mr Allen – who sounds suspiciously like a white male, although (phew) he’s Irish, at least – was variously lampooned across media platforms as a humourless politically correct drone but I’m here to defend him. He’s only doing his job; and on £208 k p.a. what a job.

What he wants is material which is original and fresh. You know, like Mrs Brown’s Boys and Citizen Khan; stuff that could not possibly have been influenced by what came before and bears no resemblance to the stereotypical output of the 1970s. But don’t worry, I have it on good authority that Monty Python is never far from his thoughts. I have been fortunate enough to acquire a transcript of a recent commissioning meeting:

FX: KNOCK KNOCK

SHANE: Come in.

WRITER: Hello, is this the commissioning meeting?

SHANE: I just told you.

WRITER: No you didn’t

SHANE Oh, yes I did.

WRITER: No you didn’t.

SHANE: Did

WRITER: Didn’t

SHANE: Excuse me, is this a five minute argument or...

WRITER: I’ll come in again.

CARDINAL RICHLIEU ENTERS.

SHANE: Stop this. This is just silly

VOICE OFF: Mrs Niggerbaiter’s just exploded

SECOND VOICE OFF: She’s a staunch.

THIRD VOICE OFF: I don’t like darkies

FX: KNOCK KNOCK

WRITER: Can we start again?

SHANE: You’re not going to complain about a parrot, are you?

WRITER: No, I have an idea for an all-new comedy show

SHANE: It doesn’t involve unarmed combat against soft fruit, does it?

WRITER: No.

SHANE: No carnivorous rabbits?

WRITER: No

SHANE: You’re not going to parody the son of god?

WRITER: Wouldn’t dream of it; too dangerous these days

SHANE: No Knights who say Ni?

WRITER: No. See, you’ve got Diane Abbott, Jeremy Corbyn and John McDonnell sharing a flat in Venezuela...

Wanks as high as any in Wome...

SHANE: I never really wanted this job.... I wanted to be... I wanted to be... a lumberjack!

STIRRING MUSIC. CURTAINS OPEN TO REVEAL MOUNTIE CHOIR.

THE END... 

... OR IS IT?

Why should we?

David Lammy has been driving up his blood pressure again as he leapt aboard the anti-Trump train. The serial race-baiter couldn’t help but plough in with his obsessive aversion to the biggest white whale of all - the so-called leader of the free world. And so bizarrely sensitive to the baiters was Mrs May that she wobbled in the Commons yesterday as she tried to pretend she wasn’t going to cosy up to The Donald when he visits and was instead going to stand up to him. (Clue: She’s not.)

National leaders and supposed opinion-formers the world over are screeching negatively about his tough illegal immigrant border policy, even as their own constituents are loudly cheering him on... But what should we do, let them all in? There is a category of out-of-touch, new-world-order advocate that would simply throw the doors open wide. Come on, come all, for, in their eyes, all darker-tinged foreigners are somehow ‘better’ than all pale, gammonous, indigenous nationals.

Downtrodden people from rough, brutish regimes are sold dreams of riches in the first world and then aided and abetted in their quest by the dreaming acolytes of the political left. And yes, the world perhaps should be a lovely, fluffy place where everybody respects and loves everybody else. But the peddlers of this never-to-be-realised fiction are rarely disadvantaged by the realities that come with it, whereas those who are most directly affected are denied the voice to object.

What we see – every time - is these whole-worlders violently attacking the only part of society which pays for it. Metaphorically and sometimes literally biting the hand that feeds it. Desperate people, from barbaric cultures, promised a heaven on earth, are slow to adopt the tolerant laisse-faire attitudes of the generous host and instead revert to the methods that worked in their homelands. And the response when we point this out? “But what about ze cheeldren!”

The bleeding hearts simply cannot comprehend why we can’t put up with a bit of mild cultural displacement, segregation and ghettoisation in the interests of world peace. What’s a bit of moderate white flight when several million net recipients get to share in our barely adequate resources? So your kids have to become minorities in their own schools and you get to wait a few more years for your hip replacement? It’s a small price to pay, surely, in order to increase the maternity ward bed count.

What is wrong with wanting to keep what we have worked for? Why should we pay for illegal immigrants to simply pour across our borders and then demand – literally demand – that they be fed and clothed and housed and educated and treated and settled and be absolved their original crime and excused any further crimes? Why should we celebrate their malignant presence as ‘enrichment’ even as they preach against the very western values they have milked? Trump is dead right to stand firm. Put up with it? Why should we?

Democratic Deficit

See? See what democracy did? Donald Trump was never meant to be president of the USA, it was decided it should have been Hillary, god damn it! The Italians are supposed to have a totally disunited and chaotic government, not be united under a common feeling of national pride. The Poles, the Hungarians; where do they get the notion that their country should be run for their own benefit? And as for the filthy disgusting, backward, British pigs...

How dare they disagree with their replacement by imported aliens? How dare the English parade their jingoistic crusader flag at any time, let alone at international sporting events? How dare the British celebrate their heritage, their ingenuity and their huge contributions to civilisation? How dare they, in the face of being utterly despised by their own establishment and institutions, resist the deliberate indoctrination of their children by cultural Marxists? And most heinously of all, how dare they vote to leave the parasitic clutches of the law-bringing, life-giving EU [peace-be-upon-it]?

For years now we have established the correct way to vote. If the electorate get it wrong, they are told to think about what they have done and change their minds. It’s not difficult, is it? But no, the British still don’t know how to do it. Even when told the correct answer they insist on childishly giving the wrong one. I swear they do it on purpose. So we are going have one more go; the next referendum will literally be the referendum to end them all;

To avoid confusing the stupid Brits, the only option will be to endorse the statement “I agree that democracy has run its course and must be abolished.” And to avoid any confusion over ridiculous situations where a narrow majority somehow considers it has ‘won’ we must be clear; one single such agreement with the statement will dictate the result. So it will matter not one jot if 30 million people spoil their ballot papers; a spoiled paper is an abstention and not a vote. One ‘yes’ and the motion will be carried.

To assist we will employ those most faithful servants of god and the people, the imams. When you can no longer rely on the native population to behave in a decent democratic way and do as they are told, what else can you do but call on their replacements? Work is already well underway in installing islam at the heart of British life, but until every son is called mohammed and every daughter aisha, the enrichment of the breeding stock must and will continue apace.

The new 'Europeans'

British values? Pah! You clearly didn’t value them enough to exercise the freedoms you have exported around the globe, so now you will pay for taking your eye off the ball. Europe is already fallen and the fight against democracy is almost won, so just keep not-doing what you have not been doing and we may, just may, promise to be merciful in your defeat... in-sha-allah.

Who's Backing Britain?

So now they are resurrecting the threat to close down UK-EU flights, post-Brexit? Good, let them. Let them shut down the whole cheap-flight industry, the holiday resorts they serve and the service industries which support them. Let the shitty all-inclusive hotel complexes close and fester, let the beach-side strips go un-fouled by the stench of fish and chips and two-day old Ambre Solaire and sweat. Go on, EU, show your contempt for the British as openly as you wish. The gloves are off.

David Cameron was told in no uncertain terms that there could be no special arrangements of any merit for one of the 28. And why not? Their club, their rules. So he went to the people and despite a colossal united opposition to leaving, a rag-bag of warring Leave groups still manage to win the day. The next morning, we should have served notice. Cameron’s resignation was un-called for; he could easily have carried on, just as his pale stand-in has done, except this time working to deliver what he promised to deliver.

Article 50? What a load of bollocks that turned out to be; an unnecessary prevarication which did nothing but allow the stunned Remainers to mobilise. Nobody had contemplated Brexit – Cameron wouldn’t have authorised the referendum if any analysis had suggested the vote could go against the establishment’s use of the state apparatus to cover the land with a blanket of doom. But we are where we are; wallowing in a self-inflicted morass of negativity created by the relentless insistence of Remainers that Brexit is a modern day Black Death.

Meanwhile, in the so-called Mother of Parliaments, the treacherous – and they truly are treacherous – House of Lords voted again with the Tory rebels to end Brexit by any means. But if they think bringing down the government is the way ahead, let them face the wrath of the millions who voted to leave the unaccountable governance of the EU for precisely the same sort of behaviour their lordships are aping. The referendum as a tool of democracy is dead; the commissioners must be pissing their pants in glee.

So, what are we left with? Short of an armed march on Westminster and the dragging out of the main actors to face summary justice; short of actual civil war, what? Voting at the ballot box is no way out; whichever way it goes can be ignored and anyway, far too many MPs have shown how easily they brush aside the wishes of their constituents.

Backing Britain, 1968. How times change.

If you want Brexit you can do it yourself. No Spanish holiday, no French wine (I personally stopped buying that decades ago) forego the foreign cheese, boycott Brussels. Instead, grit your teeth and buy British, keep your cash in OUR banks. If you can’t face an actual holiday in the UK – and let’s face it, we’ve let ourselves go – try going for days out. Get out in the countryside, get fitter and save the NHS in the process. Wake up and realise that voting then hoping it would happen is a lost cause. If you want an independent Britain you need to start backing it. Brexit needs to become more than a wish, it needs to be in the blood in the way the EU never could.

Misery loves company

So, a great day out was had by all. The attendees at Labour Live clapped and danced and changed the world. The gurning totems of Corbyn, McDonnell, McCluskey and their puppets and cheerleaders told their tales of a future of equality and opportunity and wealth for all. And why not let them dream, eh? Even though thousands of years of recorded human history demonstrate that humans, just like most other animals, naturally form into groups of the many led by the few and are rewarded accordingly; twas, literally, ever thus.

Life is pretty good for most of us in the west. For every downtrodden, dejected loser in life’s lottery there are a thousand, ten thousand, who have little to fear. We eat better, work less, live longer and are entertained in ways which could not even have been contemplated even fifty years ago. So why are we never happy? Or, more pertinently, why do movements like Labour want to portray us as miserable, in every sense of the word?

It’s ALL Project Fear, isn’t it? You might be happy now, but what about after Brexit? The Tories/far-right/elites/pan-global conspiracists will creep into your lives and steal away your freedom/security/ livelihood/children if you take your eye off the ball. And who will protect you? This seems to be the ethos of the left-inclined; you are all children and you must be protected from your own gullibility. And what

A capitalist job with prospects? It’s a trap; here take one of the nicer jobs we made up. Science and technology based education? Too difficult; we have lovely foreigners to do all that for you. You put your feet up and go for ‘life sciences’; the portfolio of disciplines where nebulous opinions rank just as high as demonstrable facts. And even higher if your opinions are the right ones. Critical thought is a tool of the right and will enslave you in a world where you have to stand on your own two feet and pursue your own happiness. Don’t fall for it.

But from whence comes such great wisdom? Turns out, that all you need to qualify for engagement in the world of politics is a self-declaration of your allegiances and your competence is assumed. That and the assistance of a political dynasty – a little nepotism goes a long, long way – and you’re in. Pull up a chair, join the talking shop, persuade others of the veracity of your theories and brainwash yourself to become a cog in the machine.

Is this the real life, or is this just fantasy?

We are all parts of the world machine, but some of us are working parts while others exist more for appearances. Do you want a vacuum cleaner that actually sucks, or one that looks pretty... and sucks? This is your choice: a world of hardship and toil, but rewards for all that hard work and pride in achievement. Or do you want a world of supposed ‘equality’ and ‘diversity’ and a lot of back-slapping pretence that prosperity for all is just around the corner? In short, do you want the red pill or the blue?