Bring out your dead

In the Alician wonderland of politics up is down, left is right and a rout can clearly be re-worded into a triumph. History can be Tippexed and typed over as if it never happened and the mere stroke of a pen can turn a surrender declaration into a heroic rallying cry to the troops. For what is the war in Westminster if it isn’t a war of words? It takes a special kind of reptile, of course, to perform these lexicological gymnastics, but in the search for the next political toad no stone ever goes unturned.

The full scale of the Europarl election destruction has yet to be realised, but as the smoke clears on the battlefield it is clear that the claims of victory by remainers is flimsy at best. To assert this they have to believe – actually believe – that everybody who didn’t vote for the Brexit Party definitely voted for remain... and by the usual convention this includes the non-votes of all who abstained. Even this morning, the BBC referred to Nigel Farage’s ‘strong performance’ as if the BP had come a brave second, instead of now being the biggest single party in the whole of the EU Parliament.

The losers are, of course, the two parties which have dominated UK politics for a century, but while Tories are beginning, slowly, to accept that their worst electoral defeat since the nineteenth century, some are still peddling the lies that brought them so low. Brandon Lewis, astonishingly, declared that their resounding thrashing signalled an electorate desperate for the Tories to come up with a deal. No, Brandon, they voted for Brexit because they want to leave the EU and nobody who has been paying attention expects any form of ‘deal’ to be palatable.

But on the Labour side it is possibly even worse. Adonis (to give him his full, earned title) even went so far as to feed his EU wet dream by tweeting that had Labour come out for remain it would have actually won overall because – and bear with me here on his tortuous logic – if you count Labour’s vote as a vote for remain, then remain won, so therefore if Labour managed this historic victory without even endorsing remain, imagine how many remainers would have abandoned the firm remain parties and lent their vote to the party which has yet to come out with any actual agreed policy on Brexit.

I think that what was what he was suggesting but then it is so hard to listen to Adonis without hearing the perpetual whine which accompanies all his utterances and the grinding of the gears as his towering intellect turns dross into gold; EU pension gold. If anything the very existence of a creature such as ‘Lord’ Adonis – conjured into life by the bizarre alchemy of Blair’s cronyism – shows us exactly why we should resist anti-democratic institutions wherever they raise their many heads. But at least, for now, there is small recompense to be found by remembering that Handy Andy remains an unelected squeaky gob on a stick.

Looks like a winner to me.

So what was the result, really, overall? Anna Soubry and Heidi Allen are claiming that zero MEPs elected for Change UK (or whatever their actual name is) is not a bad result for a party which didn’t exist a few months ago. People voted Green mostly because they have been in thrall to a hysterical Swedish child, not solely because of their EU stance. If you definitely wanted to remain in the EU, the Lib Dems were the only unequivocal vote for that position. They did well, but nowhere near the brand-new, single issue party which won, beyond any doubt outside the bubble. Whichever way you add all of this up you get the same number every time and the number is – we voted for Brexit, let’s get the fuck out of there.

Corbyn is not for Christmas

As the race hots up for the next sacrificial lamb to hop aboard the Conservative Party leadership altar, you would be forgiven if you considered that anybody running shows a monumental lack of judgment. Some of the participants are demonstrations of vainglorious ambition trumping competence, standing on records which are way short of exemplary; why, some of the candidates ought to be stuffed and exhibited as a warning to future generations. Whoever picks up the baton dropped by Tearful Theresa is unlikely to survive the next General Election.

But what of that next GE? Twitter lit up yesterday with gleeful prognostications under the hashtag #CorbynByChristmas. Seriously, there are still far too many deeply radicalised Corbynites out there, ready to bring a level of harm to life in the UK that would go far beyond anything Brexit might do. We could leave with no deal, have all pre-existing arrangements torn up, shut down trade and cooperation with Europe altogether and still manage to survive and recover far better than if we ever let in a Corbyn government.

The entire manifesto is a wish-list of proven malfeasance almost guaranteed to bring the country to its knees, but couched in the language of ‘caring’ and ‘kindness’ and equality. Pitched at people who feel aggrieved and disadvantaged in what used to be the most equitable and free society in the world, this is a devilishly tempting message, yet it involves curbing, at a whim, the freedoms of anybody who doesn’t toe the party line.

Make more money than we feel you should (regardless of how much tax you pay)? Then we will cut you down. Feel more comfortable among people more like yourself? Then we will force you to embrace traditions and cultures which you fear. Think that a traditional family unit best fits your vision of society? We will shame you in public and tell your employer that you are a bigot. Believe that Britain ought to hang onto its long tradition of Christian conservatism? Prepare to be ‘educated’ by the religious police. No cow will remain sacred, except those of Labour’s patron faith.

But it is economically – the most immediate and potentially most immediately devastating means of all – where the cult of Corbyn would do most harm. The Corbyn-McDonnell plan has a £Half-Trillion black hole at its heart and that is only at first glance. Labour would nationalise, regulate, restrict, control and condemn with a ruthlessness Mao himself would admire. Those who can would leave while they could; others would close down businesses and retire; criminality and the black market would thrive and corruption would pervade every public office, especially where the chosen people were invited to preside.

Comrade Corbyn is no joke

As our society crumbled and fell, we would be compelled to pledge allegiance to the party and sing the red flag on every public occasion. In the name of harmony difference would be legislated both for and against – some differences are more equal than others – and our history rewritten to demonise the very people who once made us the great nation we were. And as for that hashtag, sooner or later, Christmas itself would be abolished forever. Sleep peacefully tonight.

Long Live... er...

So, ding-dong Theresa’s gone? But, as she made clear, her successor isn’t going to find it any form of picnic and rebuilding the Conservative Party is a task beyond Boris Johnson’s thus far unimpressive diplomatic talents. Yes he will draw the crowds and yes he will pick up the sort of voters Mrs May could never reach, but he will lose sufficient numbers of the sitting MPs to make it impossible to carry the government through to the next scheduled election. What, with May’s disastrous 2017 snap election and the inevitability that Boris will piss off the DUP it is almost as if the Fixed-Term Parliaments Act had never happened

But who would want the job anyway? As Groucho Marx said, “I wouldn’t want to be a member of any club that would have me as a member”. Why would you want to be the leader of only a half of a club while the other half loathe you and will plot against? So the undignified jostling for position that we are going to see in the next few weeks will just be a series of side events in the continued demise of our oldest political party.

Compromise, uniting both sides, finding consensus, bringing people together? Tosh; utter, unmitigated twaddle. If the Tories can’t themselves see that there are at least three parties in that unhappy marriage then they are doomed. Leavers, Remainers and fence-sitters seeking their next patronage make unhappy bedfellows. Maybe, in the past, Conservatism united patriotic people of many persuasions in the common good, a love of country has recently been decreed verboten.

Juncker called nationalists stupid. Verhofstadt regularly demands that national sovereignty be surrendered on the EU altar and metaphorical blood sacrifices are made to the holy edifice via the medium of political assassination... especially in the UK Tory Party. If anybody believes there is any form of settlement available at any time soon they are deluding themselves. And if anybody thinks that we can come to some form of amicable arrangement with the EU as long as we are part of it has obviously not been watching.

A Labour government is, of course, untenable. A disastrous combination of grievance politics, identity issues, perpetual class war and a bizarre belief that borrowing money to piss away is really investment, Labour doesn’t even have a cohesive vision, let alone a single realistic policy where it matters. Like Bill and Ted, all they have is ‘be excellent to one another’... ‘but not them’. If you want a party of division, the Labour amoeba is a natural home for you.

What of the Brexit Party, you ask? What indeed? From late tomorrow we will find out just how soundly they have scythed through the Conservative vote and when they take their seats in Europarl, they must surely become such a thorn in the EU’s side that the pressure to let us leave – and sod the ‘deal’ – will become irresistible. But then they will have achieved their only aim. But they could never become a cohesive party and Nigel Farage will surely never become an MP because, when it comes down to it, we still need a viable government and pretty much nobody will work with Mr Brexit.

At least there's no scandal...

So, where does all this leave us? Despite all the obvious evidence that the Tories ought to be finished, they are probably the only hope we have of ever getting out of the EU intact. And given that everybody has blotted their Latin grammar at some point during the interminable wrangling of the last three years they are going to have to be led by the least worst, rather than the best candidate. Somebody who doesn’t pose too much of a threat to the old guard but who can also appeal to the naifs. Somebody who the public can be persuaded is tolerable, for now; somebody they don’t all want to stab. For better or for worse, it’s going to have to be Boris, isn’t it?

Who are the neo-Nazis?

Theresa May has at last resigned, but at least she has finally secured a lasting legacy - and one which will be celebrated for generations. By the Labour Party. The total breakdown of the Conservative and Unionists over the issue of Brexit has been spectacular, nail-biting and at times simply farcical stuff. But if Labour supporters are cheering this on they might also want to take time out to consider their own precarious legacy, for it is movements of the left, for whom Labour wants to fly all the flags, which have connived to altogether destroy the credibility of the press, Parliament and almost anybody in public life.

To say that leftists have double standards is to make hypocrisy sound as harmless as having a favourite flavour of milkshake. Of course, we all cry foul when our side is attacked and retaliation in kind is rarely the answer, but this past week has seen the ability to overcome cognitive dissonance being stretched to breaking point in some quarters. When Jeremy Corbyn was egged they were furious, yet when similar happened to Nigel Farage (or as the bien pensants now have it, just ‘Farage’) they cheered to the rafters.

Having spent the three years AC (After Cox) frenetically ranting about the rise of the right and politically motivated violence they barely flinch when charged with encouraging the same thing. In fact they openly mocked those who were conflating dairy-based assault with something worse, even as people like Tommy Robinson_(NHRN) were facing down screaming, baying, brick-throwing mobs issuing death threats. What did police do? Not much; they have a right to counter protest, one silver commander opined.

While the left have reacted like hysterical children to every imaged slight, every slogan, every banner, every campaign talking point from those they label ‘the far right’, said far right has largely got on with the job and tried to peacefully make their point. And what has been the result? When a pensioner in Aldershot was milkshaked for supporting the Brexit Party they doubled down. Not only was this his just desserts_[sic] it was obviously a fake.

Oh yes, Alastair Campbell, Emma Kennedy, Mike Stuchberry and others implied, suggested or downright insisted that this was staged by the ‘far right’ to stir up division and hate. It is only a couple of steps down Conspiracy Street and they will be imagining that we invented Nazism just so that a century later we could accuse the Labour Party of anti-Semitism. Talk about judging somebody by your own poor standards – if the right are as stupid as they insist we should barely be capable of spelling conspiracy, let alone plotting one.

But further, they insist that eligible voters have been turned away from polling stations. And no doubt, once the results are called, they will denounce every electoral official in the land for collusion with Russia. When you consider that they have been demanding a second referendum all along you would think they would have welcomed this, albeit accidental, opportunity to have their voice heard again. But the voice is week and wheezy, so they resort to what they do best – imagining that they really won, but were cheated.

When purple-faced, throbbing veined, distorted-featured, shrieking malcontents throw bottles and bricks and repeatedly close down debate, sabotage peaceful events, threaten physical violence and even death, yet imagine that it is not they who are the Nazis you know that all reason has been lost. One day, it is to be hoped, they may look at their badges, their masks, their paraphernalia, their slogans; they may take stock of the atrocities they have committed and the lies they have told; they might just wake up and see the illusions they constructed and ask themselves – were we the baddies?

EU Woes

Once again the Eurovision Song Contest was political and once again the UK’s place in the political pecking order in Europe was established. Nul points; last again. Just as in realpolitik the substance doesn’t matter; we could have had the best act in the competition but still we would have been judged on our level of buy-in to the project. In truth we know that Eurovision is a camp little exercise in frivolity, vacuity and daftness and we have always been rather too earnest about it all.

But the timing could not have been better. As inconsequential as success in Eurovision is to the wider and rather more serious issue of the EU, coming last in the run-up to the real Euro elections will have done nothing to dampen enthusiasm for Nigel Farage’s insurgent Brexit Party. Hopes run high for the BP, come Thursday, but I have to caution that for many people their optimism runs a risk of tipping over into fantasy. Yes, the Faragistas have a real chance of dominating the poll this week, but beyond that I fear it will be somewhat less ‘earthquakey’ than many will wish for.

In short, Nigel Farage is not becoming Prime Minister in any decade of this century, if only because the forces he rightly rails against have far more power than we, the people, can possibly muster. Yes, he will make a dent – he will certainly, I feel, fatally damage the Conservative Party – and yes, people will begin to disbelieve what they are told when the evidence they see goes against it, but I fear we will have to endure the setback of a decade of Labour wrecking before sense prevails again. I wish it were otherwise; I truly do, but...

The first step for a bona fide non-violent full scale Political Revolution is trust. And whereas people no longer place much trust in the old party system, the establishment has inflicted deadly wounds on the corpus of Farage himself. Fake tweets, accusations of dark money, the Russians! But worse than that, for a movement that seeks to attract and mobilise the disenfranchised, the seedy notion that somehow Nigel is getting rich out of it. It is true that every attack piece increases the determination of supporters but it also damages the chance that the undecided will come on-board. This is exactly how the ‘Democrats’ in the USA go for Trump.

And it matters not how popular Farage is with the crowd; what matters is how that translates into power and influence; this is the real problem. We rejected an alternative to our first-past-the-post system in 2011 and the electoral game strongly favours entrenched, if outmoded parties, almost regardless of who they put up for office. Brexit will take a few Tory seats but they will almost certainly run second to Labour, even in places where the new party is gaining huge support for the EU elections. Most people simply don’t turn out to elect MEPs and come a general election old habits die hard.

At best the Brexit Party might – might – get to be potential king-makers to a minority Labour Party, a role they cannot possibly accept as it means certain death to Brexit. As a new party they have undoubtedly hooked into the zeitgeist and the appetite to fight the same old politics is clear. But they now have to settle into the long war, build a real party, unite hugely disparate ideologies among their candidates and future MPs and develop policy which has a chance of appealing across the board.

Propping up the same old dinosaurs...

As much as I want change and as much as I heartily endorse our withdrawal from the EU, this alone is not enough. We need to tackle the enormous departure of our society as a whole from what once made us the model for democracy the world over; but the forces that caused our current national distress are deeply entrenched and will take generations to overcome. Tony Blair may have accelerated the decline, but he didn’t start it. And the Brexit Party are going to have to be even more influential than he was before any tectonic shift will begin. I’m not investing in any earthquake defences just yet.