I don't want to worry you but...

So, Labour are to come out of their huddle and say how they would run the economy if anybody votes for them in 2015. In effect their plans amount to a return to the sneaky Blairite tactics of New Labour and can roughly be described thus: “Socialism doesn’t really work and we will be unelectable if we keep to all that the Labour Party holds dear, so our only chance is to become Conservative-lite (again) and promise to continue  all their economic policies, but smile a lot, say ‘caring’ and ‘fair’ whenever possible and pretend –against all the evidence - that we are very much nicer human beings.”

They are hoping like hell that we see a bit of growth – not too much because that would make Osborne look good – just enough to get the ball rolling so that if they get back in they can ride the wave for a year or so, then start spending like lunatics once more. It’s a desperately familiar pattern and it fools enough of the people every time. If they rely on a better-the-devil-you-know sentiment to limit their losses to UKIP, combined with a concerted push to collect as many of their famously shady postal votes as possible, who knows what might happen?

The worst thing is that they may very well succeed because Labour is a remarkably hardy parasite and like a tick it can survive outside the host, biding its time until the blood-sucking can begin again. And of course, once latched on the Labour tick is able to grow its population at an alarming rate until no tax-payer is safe. The various afflictions spread by ticks include Lyme Disease, tularemia, ehrlichiosis, meningoencephalitis, bovine anaplasmosis, poverty, stupidity and welfare dependency and there is no known vaccination which can guard against these ailments once infection is established.

The next Chancellor of the Exchequer

The best thing is a pre-emptive DDT strike before it’s too late. Citizens are advised to stock up on Deet and mosquito nets well before the next election and avoid entering areas known to be infected with Labour unless wearing suitable prophylactic clothing. A full-body kevlar onesie soaked in paraformaldehyde is recommended along with dark glasses and noise cancelling headphones. Remember; hear no evil, see no evil, vote no evil. Be careful out there.