Heating up...

Oh I love a bit cockwomblery to cheer up my workaday world. This weekend it was the dual heartening news that Red Ed and his Marxist puppeteer Len McCluskey have still learned nothing at all about money and in a bid to peddle their desperate line that ‘Tory austerity’ is the root of all evil are planning to magic some pennies up out of nowhere, miraculously use it to invest in itself, release trillions from the nasty evil bankers and "Where there is discord, may we bring harmony. Where there is error, may we bring truth. Where there is doubt, may we bring faith. And where there is despair, may we bring hope.” Wha’evs, it was hilarious.

But not as hilarious as the second thing, which was the People’s Climate March for Changing Climate Change for All of The People’s Assembly, All of the Time… or something; in truth I couldn’t be arsed to check, but I do love it when the deluded all get together wearing healing Lycra™ in the name of Hallucinogens for Hessian Hooligans: Right on, Earth-Mother Sistahs! Internationally renowned climate scientists such as Emma Thompson, Peter Gabriel, Vivienne Westwood and Secretary General Ban Ki-moon lent their support as they demanded the now customary end to ‘all the things’, accepting without question that we are doomed, doomed I tell you! All is murky in climate-fact-land but, soft! what light through yonder glass ceiling breaks? Arise, fair sun, and kill off the envious gas-fired power stations. What larks, Pip!

However, very recent new research shows that every iPhone releases as much carbon dioxide in its production, shipping, usage and disposal as twenty 1980s refrigerators employing the now-banned CFCs as a refrigerant and that every climate change activist will consume thirty-seven iPhones on average during a lifetime, not counting the battery replacements. Furthermore, ‘studies have shown’ that every climate change march – taking into account transport costs, banner production, loud-hailer power consumption, frothy-lattés consumed and localised oxygen depletion – is as harmful to the planet – in methane offset terms - as a herd of 10,000 cows grazing an area the seize of Dorset for a month.

The Green Party leader, ‘Nittlie Binnit’ alone accounts for more toxins being released into the atmosphere than all the long haul flights out of Heathrow in an average year and when you factor in all the climate tourist trips to help the ice caps melt it turns out that the environmental movement is the single biggest cause of global warming… global cooling… climate change… climate. In fact for every single solar-photovoltaic panel produced a tiger cub AND a baby panda have to die. Them’s the rules.

The green-sleeved, climate alarmist, enviro-mental eco-activists ask me how I dare to use brazenly made up, fabricated, ridiculous, unsubstantiated, scare-mongering, ludicrous, so-called ‘facts’? I say, why not? THEY started it.