Sky-High Futures

Some British teachers, it transpires, are demanding that schools stop promoting 'fundamental British values'. Odd, I thought they’d stopped doing that a good two generations ago. Their reason (the very thought that such morons could be deemed to possess reason!) being that it may encourage children to think other cultures inferior. Inferior, that is, to the culture which established global trade, invented practically everything of any use to mankind, single-handedly civilised the dark continent – for a while at least – and gifted the world a set of core values which are the very basis for civilised behaviour.

Teachers’ union leaders object to ‘How to be a British Citizen’ classes because it is seen as demeaning to other cultures and may inculcate 'cultural supremacy' here, in the land of its birth. They want to teach human rights instead and obviously some ill thought out hotch-potch of multicultural, diversity-based drivel. What they mean is islam, of course. It is the supposedly tiny minority islamic culture they seek not to diminish or offend or treat as, you know, a minority issue. Oh and while we’re on the subject of islam we Brits also abolished slavery... you should try it.

The NUTers also called to increase immigration, being particularly in favour of the muslim refugee methodology, presumably because that would help to more quickly make us the minority. That would rub our nasty right-wing noses in it and relegate ‘British Values’ to the shitty little backwater it deserves to inhabit. To which end we should also welcome the tolerant nation of virtually 100% muslim Turkey to the EU ranks, especially in view of their fantastic contribution to human rights, tolerance and good humour.

We seem to be building a new state in much the same way a ‘nontrepreneur’ starts up a business doomed to fail in order to flog his dead horse. In this brave new world allowances have to be made so that inferior competitors still get prizes – like applauding truly awful poetry set to a monotonous beat as art and pretending its crayon-wielding plagiarists are important social commentators and historical diarists – Rap-Pepys. Or insisting against the facts that equality is somehow a naturally occurring human right while at the same time demanding special recognition for Oscars of Colour.

In that enterprising spirit I have a business idea which is a perfect match for the future of civilisation. I’m going into the suicide vest industry. Money people will surely be queuing round the block to get in at the ground floor, hoping their investment will go sky high. Starting with the kids – get ‘em young, they say – next Christmas Winterval’s must-have toy could be ‘My First Suicide Outfit’. Just think about it – how many products out there are so good, you’ll never need to buy another one?

They blow up so quick...

Okay, I confess, I haven’t run the numbers through the spreadsheet yet and I know that if the initial uptake is good, future sales may not be, but I’m using an inherently flawed socialist business model here where all that matters is that you react to the immediate demand - which seems to be high - without heed to the future market. Yes I realise it may become a dying industry and sales will eventually plummet like gays from tower blocks. It may bomb, but surely I’ll get my rewards in heaven?