Chicken Tonight

It’s not been a good week for Jeremy Corbyn, really. Missing the open goal that was Cameron’s prevarication over his tax affairs, Jeremy’s difficulties were compounded by a poor PMQs on Wednesday and the subsequent revelation that not only was his own tax return late on two occasions – on submitting it and in presenting it to the house – but enquiries revealed he had failed to declare a third pension income. Not bad for a socialist, though, three public pensions...

At least after a hard day’s graft at the Ministry of Truth he could return to the bosom of his third wife to receive balm and succour. ... balm and succour, that is, for his travails. Long-time intimate partners, Jeremy married his exotic and ever-faithful Mexican companion, Laura Álvarez, in 2013. When she isn’t running her fair trade coffee import business Laura helps lick Jeremy’s.... I’m sorry, that should read ‘helps lick Jeremy’s wounds’, of course.

On their wedding day Jeremy and Laura vowed never to keep secrets from each other, except under their marital bed Laura keeps a shoe box, tied up with a red ribbon, the contents of which she had never vouchsafed and about which Jeremy had never asked. But it has been a long road since Jezzer’s election and a weary one at times and finally his curiosity got the better of him. He turned to her while they were watching Question Time – anything to avoid seeing the dreary Owen Smith’s feeble attempts – and said “My darling, in all our years of marriage I have never asked to see what you keep in that box under the bed. Will you show me tonight?"

"Certainly darling," she replied and led him upstairs. She retrieved the box from under the bed and held it out for Jeremy to take. As he held it she undid the ribbon and removed the lid. Inside, nestling in tissue paper were three hens eggs and a fat roll of twenty-pound notes. Jeremy stared. He had expected something exciting, something unusual but his mind could make no sense of this. "I'm grateful for your trust," he said after a few moments, “but I could never have imagined for a minute what I’m seeing now. Thank you for showing me... but tell me, why the three eggs?"

She drew closer to him and in a breathless whisper said into his ear, "Well, every time we made love, if I considered your performance below average, I would place an egg from one of our chickens in the box." Jeremy thought about this for a minute. Then he smiled, having done his calculations. "Well, that's good,” he said, “just three eggs in all the years we’ve been together. But where did all that money come from?” Laura looked him in the eye, paused a moment and said "Every time I got a dozen eggs, I sold them."