Class Act

The big wee man of comedy, Ronnie Corbett, has finally shuffled off this mortal coil. And without a title too, cried the commentariat, while every honours list today is packed to the rafters with donors, stoners, chancers, cronies and outright crooks. To Ronnie’s family, consider it the highest honour that he was thought too good to join their distasteful and hypocritical ranks. To those of us who grew up with the Two Ronnies, you were a better night-in than any knight-errant.

But we grew up in different times when, despite the failings of our stubborn, stiff upper lip demeanour, and rigidly observed protocols, British people had far more about them and far greater opportunity for expression and advancement than the Frost Report class system sketch betrayed. “I know my place” said Ron, as the lower class oik at the end of the line. How would that attitude go down with those on the bottom rug today?

I am Upper Class. I like to pretend, however, that I am Middle Class, to ingratiate myself with him. He is Middle Class and he pays the taxes that pay the grants that maintain my family seat. Otherwise I rely almost entirely on charity. I no longer look down on him, but I still despise him.

I am Middle Class and I still look up to him because he was born into riches. I am aware, however, that he relies on me and my fellow taxpayers to foot the bills, but I do wish he would stop dropping his aitches. I preferred it when I was happy to believe he was better than us. [TURNS] I look down on him though, because he is The Most Vulnerable in Society.

I am The Most Vulnerable in Society. I don’t look up to anybody but I do call those who pay my benefits, ‘Tory Scum’. I don’t know why I feel this way, but it is expected of me and I like to do my bit because we’re all in this together.

I am Upper Class. I only look up to royalty. I envy him though, because he is Middle Class and he still has aspirations.

I am Middle Class. I do all the work. I envy him because he is where I want to be [TURNS] but I fear him because he is the alternative.

I am The Most Vulnerable in Society and I don’t give a damn. I used to be Working Class but now you work for me. Now and again the Middle Class try to make it difficult for me, but I’m not afraid of them. I am, however, afraid of... him.

I am muslim class and I am untouchable.