A day with Mr Ed

Ed Balls has been calling for cutting taxation, funded by more borrowing. I nearly coughed up my cornflakes, but narrowly avoided apoplexy by writing this...

One day, Mr Ed was woken up early and looked out of the window to see what the commotion was. It was the English Defence League, holding one of their silly protests. "Hmmm" said Mr Ed, "They are quite nasty, aren't they? I know what we can do. We can let in lots more people they don't like, to outnumber them. That should do the trick" And so Mr Ed and all his friends opened up the borders so the EDL would have something to keep them busy and out of trouble.

Mr Ed ate so many eggs for breakfast that he began to feel too full and little bit sick. To cure his tummy ache he decided that what he needed was pancakes. Lots and lots of pancakes. But poor Mr Ed had run out of batter ingredients, so he had to go to the shops. Only there weren't any shops nearby; they had all closed because Mr Ed's friends' solution to local communities was to provide every poor family with a car, or taxi money, so they could get to the supermarkets instead. Mr Silly!

Suddenly, Mr Ed saw a small fire behind the kebab shop. He quickly rushed to the petrol station and bought a gallon of petrol to put it out. Oh dear, Mr Ed, that just made it worse, didn't it? Quick, run away and blame it on BP for selling petrol. Phew, that was a close escape, but I think you got away with it. Didn't you know that  petrol would only make it worse? We should call you Mr Topsy-Turvy!

While Mr Ed was wondering how to get his pancakes - because even with all the excitement he could only hold one thought at a time - along came Little Miss Ditzy in her big company car. "Gosh! How did you get such a big car, Miss Ditzy?" asked Mr Ed. "Don't call me 'Miss'," she said, "My name is Harriet and I got this car because I deserve it. I saw that all the companies that made all the money were run by horrid men and I decided that, to make them even better, I would replace all the men with women!" Mr Ed was too terrified to reply, so he just jumped in the car and off they went.

On the way to the supermarket, Mr Ed and Little Miss Ditzy passed rows of empty houses and boarded-up shops. They noticed that the only businesses that remained were betting shops, charity shops and 'exotic' fast-food vendors. This made them both sad and they decided they needed a plan to put Britain all back together again.

"This is because of those nasty Tories," declared Ditzy. "Yes it is!" agreed Mr Ed, "When we were in charge we borrowed lots and lots of money and spent it on lots and lots of presents and everybody was happy everywhere, all of the time!" He continued, "This government is cutting too far, too fast and it isn't working!"

And this is how Mr Ed and all his friends decided that all the trouble in the world could be solved, quite simply, by borrowing as much money as they possibly could and giving it all away. Yay! Good old Mr Ed!